


Pretend it's OK

by imsorryimlate (orphan_account)



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, Feelings, Incest, M/M, Pseudo-Incest, Teenagers, rated explicit for the future, will grow older over time, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-04
Updated: 2014-10-18
Packaged: 2017-12-28 10:23:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 36,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/990913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/imsorryimlate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Loki is a normal teenager. Well, almost. He’s got friends. He’s mischievous. He’s also falling in love with his brother Thor. Thor is wonderful. At least in Loki’s eyes. Maybe too wonderful, too attractive, too lovable. He struggles to keep his feelings platonic. He tries to remain indifferent to Thor’s brotherly affections. But how long until the façade breaks?<br/>[WARNING: unfinished]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! My first Thorki fanfic, but give it a chance.  
> Here's a trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sm0k2AxHqGc

For Loki, the transformation from a child to a teenager came and went pretty quietly. He became taller, he grew hair in new places, his features turned sharper, his voice became deeper, and he discovered that he could use his penis for more than urination.

Loki thinks that he handled his puberty quite well. He had known what to expect, he had been prepared; he had watched as his three years older brother, Thor, turned into a clumsy teenager. He had known that his bones would ache from growing, that his voice would go up and down like a roller coaster, that girls would give him tingles in his lower abdomen. Thor had told him all about it.

What Thor hadn't told him about, however, was the possibility that it was the boys who would give him the tingles. When Loki realised that he was more interested in the bulging of a guy's trousers than a girl's perky breasts, he didn't freak out. Maybe he had almost known, because when the realisation settled on him, it felt given; natural. He had left his room that very instant to tell Thor about it – because he told Thor about everything – but at Thor’s door he changed his mind. He was almost sure that Thor would accept him for who he was, but not 100 % sure. He hadn’t told anyone except for his loud (and proudly bisexual) friend Tony, who had carelessly passed on the information to their friend Natasha. After that he had been sure to tell them that he didn’t want the knowledge spread any further.

He was currently seated in the school cafeteria with his friends, discussing the very important maths test they had in just half an hour. Loki wasn’t very nervous; he had studied and he understood the formulas. Suddenly someone walked up to their table with loud footsteps. Loki didn’t even have to look up to know who it was.

"Hey little brother!" Thor's hand clamped down on Loki's shoulder.

 

"Hello Thor." Loki answered and looked up from his meal. Thor always said hi whenever he saw Loki in school, and he had done it since Loki was a freshman. He still remember how proud he had been when everyone looked at him in awe as the popular Thor Odinson gave him a high five on his first day. That had later turned out to not be so much of a blessing as he had first thought; instead of making his own place in school, he was simply dismissed as “Thor’s broody little brother”. It bothered him more than it should. And made him broody.

 

"Could you tell our parents that I will be coming home late?" Thor asked and Loki felt a surge of disappointment rush through him; he had hoped that Thor would've remembered the movie he had suggested that they would watch together that night. Apparently those plans had slipped his mind.

 

"Sure, where are you going?" Loki already knew; Thor was dating a girl named Sif and they were spending almost all their free time together. Loki didn't like Sif; more Sif-time meant less Loki-time. Loki hated Sif for taking Thor away from him like that.

 

"I'm taking Sif out for dinner." Thor said with a smile so bright that it almost hurt Loki's eyes.

 

"Have fun." Loki's voice was neutral, almost sour, but if Thor noticed, he didn't let it show. He just mussed Loki's hair and left with a 'see you later' thrown over his shoulder.

As soon as he was gone, Loki groaned loudly and went back to eating with a frown.

 

"Aw, are you sad because you don't have Thor's undivided attention anymore?" Tony teased him from across the table. Loki just shot him a silent glare. "I don't think it's healthy to be so possessive of your brother, buddy… I mean, it's almost like you are in love with him or something." Tony joked. _Of course_ he was joking, but the subject was sensitive.

 

"Fuck you." Loki growled and tried to will his faint blush away. He saw how Tony opened his mouth again; he was probably about to tease Loki further or call him out on his blush, but Natasha stopped him.

 

"Tony, leave him alone." She said, speaking up for the first time since they had sat down to eat.

 

"I just mean-" Tony started again, but Natasha cut him off.

 

"You don't have any siblings; you don't know what it's like." Natasha rarely spoke in Loki's favour, but when she did, Loki was grateful. Everyone listened to Natasha. She spoke lowly, with firmness in her voice, always carefully chosen words.

But just as Tony stopped bothering Loki, Natasha looked at him and it felt as if she saw right through him. He wasn't becoming that obvious, was he? The thought haunted him through the rest of the day, making him anxious and, without a doubt, making him fail his maths test. He _never_ failed a maths test. Well, he would just have to ask his teacher if he could take the test again when they received their results. He could say that he had been feeling ill or slept very badly. Or that he was worried that his friend has found out about the ridiculous crush he had on his brother.

Oh yeah, that's a thing Thor hadn't told him about either; how the hormones drove a guy his age to madness. Loki assumed that it was the hormones anyway, or maybe he was just clinging to the explanation every time his heart skipped a beat when his brother smiled. By the age of 18, Thor had lost most of his teenage-clumsiness and grown into a tall man with broad shoulders and the beginning of a beard. He was gorgeous, and Loki wished that he wasn't. At first he had dismissed the increased heart rate as a normal reaction to his idolisation of Thor; he had always looked up to his older brother. But when Loki got the urge to kiss his brother as soon as he saw him, he knew that it wasn't a normal. And _that_ freaked him out.

Loki lived with his family in Seattle, and just like most states, Washington had firm laws against incest; one could even go to prison for incestuous relations. Loki wished that the laws would imprison his heart as well, but sadly that was not possible. He guessed he would just have to grit his teeth and wait for this inconvenient crush to pass. But it’s easier said than done.


	2. Chapter 2

If someone were to ask Loki what the pros and cons about being a teenager was, Loki would have an immediate answer; he hated being a teenager because no one ever took him seriously – because of his age. On the other hand, he liked being a teenager because he could get away with most things – because of his age. A rude 15-year old? Nothing strange about that. A rude 25-year old? That’s a whole different story.

He was currently seated across the table from Sif. Bad things were getting worse; Thor had decided to introduce his girlfriend to his family.

Loki wasn’t blind; Sif was a beauty. He also wasn’t stupid; Sif was charming and funny. But Sif and Thor  _together_? No, it was a terrible match. They were too alike. Thor needed someone who was the opposite of him… like Loki, for example.

"So, Loki," Loki turned his eyes from his plate to Sif, who had spoken. "Thor tells me you’re a grade A student."

"Yes. Surprising, isn’t it?" Sif and the rest of his family looked at him with confused expressions. "High IQ doesn’t exactly run in the family, if we were to put it kindly." Loki snorted.

"Thor’s pretty bright as well." Sif defended Thor.

"Oh please," Loki waved her statement away, "we all know you’re only here because of his looks."

"Loki." Thor’s tone was warning.

Loki huffed and turned back to his food, silently glaring at Sif. She looked uncomfortable under his gaze, but wasn’t afraid to meet it.

"So what do you do except for school? Got any hobbies?" Sif tried once more. Loki was surprised; he hadn’t expected her to address him again. She must’ve seen the surprise in his face, because she smirked smugly, like she had the upper hand. Like she was more mature than him.

"Oh, I just try to avoid bitches. Speaking of; when are you leaving? I’m sort of allergic." Loki knew that that sentence wasn’t going to give him any maturity-points (or Thor-points, for that matter) but the words flew off his sharp tongue before he could stop them. And the look on Sif’s face was beyond worth it.

"Loki!" Thor shouted, but before Loki could say anything to defend himself, their father Odin spoke up.

"Go to your room." His father’s voice was calm, but nonetheless terrifying.

The chair scraped against the floor and created a screeching sound as Loki pushed himself to his feet. He wasn’t proud, but he held his head high as he made his way upstairs.

He was lying on his bed, staring up into the ceiling with a heavy book he previously had been reading resting on his stomach, when there was a soft knocking on his door.

"Come in!" He called, and hoped and feared that it would be Thor. It wasn’t; it was his mother Frigga.

She carefully sat down beside him on the bed, and he immediately sat up as well. He felt vulnerable with someone looking down at him.

"Loki," she said and placed a hand on his forearm, "why did you act like that?"

"I…" He asserted his eyes to her hand resting on his arm. "I don’t know."

"You should go and apologise to Sif," his mother urged him, but she should know her son better than that.

"No," he said and pulled his arm away from Frigga’s hand.

Loki wasn’t very fond of the touches from others, not even friends’, but Frigga and Thor had always been welcomed into his personal space. Thor would always caress Loki’s hair, or guide him through the street with a hand on the small of his back, or envelope him in a bone-crushing hug. When they were little, Thor would even plant soft goodnight-kisses on his cheeks (Loki wondered how that would feel now that Thor was growing a beard). Loki shied away from Thor’s hugs these days. In fact, he shied away from most of Thor’s touches. He couldn’t stand the hard beating of his heart, the flushing of his skin, the dryness of his throat that it caused. He was sure that Thor had noticed, because he looked a bit sad every time Loki stepped away from his outstretched arms. The only touching that Loki still welcomed was the stroking of his hair. It still felt okay, it felt home, it felt safe.

His mother’s gentle touch was almost as troublesome as Thor’s this time. It felt like his thoughts, his feelings, his dirty little secrets would transfer through his skin, straight into Frigga’s brain. She would know everything.

It was a silly thought, but that didn’t stop Loki from moving an inch away from his mother.

"Why do you always have to be so stubborn?" His mother sighed, and the softness gave way to a more tired expression; as if Loki’s mere existence exhausted her. Maybe bringing up a stubborn child like himself had been a challenge.

"It’s probably in my genes." Loki said, because his mother can’t blame him for it without blaming herself or his father. He sees in her face that he has won this not-quite-argument.

"Probably." She agreed. That’s all she said before she left his room.

Alone, with no one to argue with, he didn’t know what he should do. Brush his teeth and go to sleep? It was too early for that. Creep outside of Thor’s room, listening for kissing noises? That thought made him grimace. He could call Tony and complain, or call Natasha and get scolded. The possibilities were endless, but none of them interested him.

A few hours passed and Loki tried to read, tried to listen to music, tried to study, and tried to make the time go faster.

He was relieved when there was another knock on his door; maybe he could argue his boredom away with whoever was knocking.

Thor didn’t ask for permission to enter before he turned the knob and pushed the door open, like Frigga had. He didn’t come and sit down beside Loki on the bed either, like Frigga had. He stayed at the door; leaning on the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest, his muscles strained. He had an angry crease between his eyebrows and the corners of his mouth were tilted slightly downwards. He looked hot like that; all angry. Before Loki could stop his imagination, it had already conjured up mental pictures of Thor grabbing him and slamming him against the wall; taking advantage of him.  _Stop it_ , he thought to himself, _don’t think about him like that._

"What’s wrong?" Thor asked and studied Loki’s face for any clues.

"Nothing. What do you mean?" Loki ignored the urge to turn away his face from Thor’s inspecting gaze.

"You haven’t been the same lately." Thor stated.  _Lately as in the last couple of days or as in the last year?_  Loki wondered.

"I failed a maths test." Loki said without missing a beat. It had been the closest explanation at hand that didn’t seem suspicious, and the only thing that lay moderately close to the truth.

Thor’s eyes reflected surprise. Loki knew why; he was one of those kids who never failed a test.

"Oh. I’m sorry." Thor left the doorframe and finally sat down on the bedside. "I can see why you got angry with Sif." At that, Loki furrowed his eyebrows together in confusion. What did Sif have to do with his maths test? Thankfully, Thor carried on talking and there through giving him an explanation; "I mean, she started to talk about how well you were doing in school just as you felt like a failure… I understand that." Well, feeling like a  _failure_  might’ve been a bit exaggerated, but Loki went with it.

"Yes, I felt… dumb." Loki lied and Thor nodded. Then he reached up and caressed Loki’s ink black hair. Loki leaned into the touch and that brought a smile to Thor’s lips. Loki had to stop himself from leaning in and kiss him then and there.  _Don’t think about him like that,_  he reminded himself.

"So what do you say; should we pop some popcorn and watch that movie we talked about the other day?" Thor grinned at him and Loki could feel his own mouth stretch out into a large smile in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sappy ending, oops… Well, thank you all for the good response to the first chapter. I don’t know how regularly I will update, but I will try to make it at least once a week. Longer than a week; you have my permission to scold me. But remember that I go to school and have homework and tests etc. And very important tv-shows.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains mentions of child abuse.

Loki had always been bright. What didn’t come naturally to him, he learned pretty quickly. But of course, brightness was no guarantee for behaviour.

When Loki and Tony were younger, they had been the big pranksters in school. It’s still a mystery how Natasha ended up being friends with them, since she was an exemplary student, but somehow it happened. She was always there to try to hold them back from doing something too stupid, but one time or two she actually joined them. She didn’t have the taste for it though, like Loki and Tony had. It was something special about pranking people. You never knew when you were going to get caught; half the time you held your breath in hope for your mischiefs to go unnoticed, and half the time you sighed with disappointment when they did. However, when they turned 15, Loki and Tony decided that it was time to grow up. It was a Wednesday that Loki and Tony had a sudden urge to misbehave again, and it didn’t take long for them to figure out what to do. Stink bombs in the ventilation system; it sounded good, didn’t it? Tony had carried the stink bombs while Loki opened up one of the vents. It wasn’t very hard; a few screws here and there. Loki always carried a knife in his jacket. It was a jackknife that he had stolen from Tony’s neighbour’s basement. It was pretty big with a red handle, rusty, but very sharp. He used the knife to unscrew the vent, and that’s how they had been caught; Loki opening the vent, Tony with his arms full of stink bombs.

They were sitting in the headmaster’s office now. The headmaster was lecturing them, but Loki had stopped listening a long time ago. He had heard it all before.

“Now, Mr Odinson, tell me; how did you open the vent?” The headmaster asked and Loki snapped out of his thoughts.

“Hm?” He looked up at the headmaster. He was an old man that surely had been handsome in his younger days, and with a little bit of charm he would’ve had the students wrapped around his finger. He did lack that charm though, and that’s what made him dull as a brick.

“I said; how did you open the vent?” The headmaster tried to keep his voice calm and ice cold, but failed miserably; he sounded stressed, at the brink of tearing his hair out.

“I unscrewed the screws.” Loki stated and leaned back in his chair.

“Using what?” The headmaster pressed on. Loki wanted to sigh and tell him to actually be smart and look through his pockets, but of course he didn’t do that. He just shrugged casually.

“Nothing; the screws were loose enough for me to only use my hands.” Loki feigned the most innocent look he could manage, but the headmaster didn’t seem convinced.

“I didn’t get a hold of your parents, but your brother was listed as your third emergency contact.” The headmaster changed the subject.

“I’m sorry, is this an emergency?” Tony asked before Loki could.

“No, but this behaviour can’t go unnoticed. I already called your father, Mr Stark; he said he would talk with you when you get home.” The headmaster said. Loki glanced at Tony; a shadow passed behind his eyes. Loki knew that Tony’s relationship with his father was far from good, but he had never dared to ask just how bad it was. But he had his suspicions, and Tony had bruises.

“What about me?” Loki questioned.

“I have sent for your brother, he should be here any minu-“ The headmaster was interrupted by three hard knocks on the door. “Come in!” The headmaster called and Thor entered the room. “You are free to go back to your classes now, Mr Stark.”

Tony left, and Thor took his place on the chair beside Loki.

“Mr Odinson, I called you here because your brother was caught vandalizing the school, and we couldn’t get a hold of your parents.” The headmaster addressed Thor.

“I see. What did you do?” Thor had turned to look at Loki.

“I just unscrewed a vent, that’s all. Nothing permanent.” Loki said and looked at Thor; he kept a straight face, but there was something glittering in his eyes.

“I don’t really understand what the problem is.” Thor met the headmaster’s gaze and raised an eyebrow.

“He won’t tell me what tools he used, nor has he apologized.” The headmaster crossed his arms and looked sullen. Loki tried to read Thor’s face, but it was hard. Was he amused or irritated?

“Loki, tell Mr Williams what tools you used.” Thor said and Loki suddenly caught on; he was obviously playing the part as a superior older brother, and he was trying to get them both out of that office as fast as he could.

“I only used my hands, I’ve told you.” Loki insisted and Thor nodded before turning back the headmaster.

“My brother assures you that he didn’t use any other tools than his hands. Is that enough?” Thor’s voice was stern, and Loki could hear a shade of Odin in his tone.

“No!” The headmaster shouted, but lowered his voice as he continued. “I know my school, and I know that the screws on those vents aren’t loose.”

“Maybe you don’t know your school as well as you think. You spend your time locked inside of this office, after all.” Loki jeered him. He suddenly felt Thor’s hand fall down on his shoulder with such force that it almost made him fall off the chair.

“Apologize to Mr Williams.” He said when Loki gave him a questioning look. Loki let out an exaggerated sigh and turned his face to Mr Williams.

“I’m sorry, sir.” He said and the headmaster had the ungraciousness to smile smugly.

“I will make sure that my parents are informed of Loki’s disobedience, Mr Williams.” Thor said with authority lacing his voice. _He sounds good like that_ , Loki thought.

“Thank you, Mr Odinson. You’re both dismissed.” The headmaster said, so easily lulled to comfort by Thor’s words.

They exited the headmaster's office, and only a second after the door had closed behind them, Thor started to chuckle. Loki joined almost immediately. He wasn't sure why they were laughing; because of Loki's snarky behaviour, or the headmaster's overreaction, or Thor's performance as a father figure?

 

"What was that? I'm listed as your _emergency contact_ , not your third legal guardian." Thor snorted after he had calmed down.

 

"Well, technically you are." Loki said as they started to walk down the near-empty corridor. Most students had classes now.

 

"I am what?"

 

"My third legal guardian." When Thor still looked puzzled, Loki explained further. "If mother and father were to die, you would become my legal guardian."

 

"Really? Am I old enough?" Thor asked.

 

"Yes, you're eighteen. At least I think that's how it works, since you are my closest relative." Loki shrugged and Thor looked rather concerned, deep in thought. "Don't worry though; mother and father won't die in a long time, and it's only three years left until I'm eighteen anyway. After that, one does not need a legal guardian."

 

"You seem to know a lot about this, brother." Thor commented, giving him a suspicious glance. Loki had simply researched it out of curiosity at the same time that he researched the laws of incest and relations inside of the family, but somehow the information had stuck with him. It was usually stuffed in the back of his mind, until Tony showed signs of abuse. Then it resurfaced again, silently telling him to help. But what could _he_ do? He was a 15 year old boy with issues of his own.

“We talked about it in class.” Loki said simply to avoid further questioning. The lies slipped out of him so effortlessly these days.

They walked in silence for a minute, walking side by side.

“I thought you said you were done with these mischiefs, Loki.” Thor mentioned with the hint of a smile.

“Easier said than done, I suppose. How can a man resist when the moment present itself so invitingly?” Loki replied with ill hidden delight.

“How can a _boy_ resist, you mean?” Thor teased and Loki jabbed a fist at his stomach. It was like hitting a wall of bricks – Thor’s regular visits to the gym obviously paid off. He had offered Loki to come with him a lot of times, but Loki had reclined on every occasion. He already was skinny; what was the point of gym then, if not to lose weight? He had told his brother this, but Thor had only laughed at him and said that it wasn’t about the weight; it was about the muscles and the wellbeing of his body. Well, Loki’s body was fine and if he ever needed help with something heavy he had Thor to assist him. Loki aimed more small punches at Thor’s stomach and arm. Thor easily pushed him away, then he wrapped his arm around Loki’s shoulder and held him close at his side.

“So, what do you say; should we skip the rest of the day and go into the city and get some burgers?” Thor smiled at Loki; a blinding, beautiful smile. Loki tried to swallow the lump that immediately appeared in his throat.

“Yeah, alright, sounds good.” Loki said meekly and slipped out of Thor’s half-embrace. He didn’t miss the slight falter of Thor’s smile, or the helplessness in his eyes. He saw it clearly, but this was about self-preservation; he needed to keep his distance, otherwise he would break.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay… school was hell and my internet cut out all weekend and, I’m not gonna lie, I’ve spent most of my free time reading fanfics. There you have it; all my excuses.

Loki had never been very aggressive or violent. Thor had always been up for some harmless wrestling, but Loki had never seen the charm of it. He had been a calm child, while Thor had been as wild as the wind. They had always been opposites that completed each other. And as they grew older, Loki used his words as a weapon while Thor was more physical. The difference was that he had lost count of his verbal battles while he could still count the number of fights Thor had gotten himself into on one hand. Thor was peaceful in an almost ridiculous way, but he was rough and playful, constantly “fighting” with his friends. He did it with everyone; even Sif!

No, Loki wasn't very aggressive or violent. That is, until he was provoked.

 

Tony and Loki was standing bent to better catch the colour of the flame. They had chemistry and the experiment of the day was to burn different salts to see what colour the flame would have, and there through decide which positive ion the salt had. It was quite easy, quite fun, especially when the flame turned green or deep red.

 

"Do you want to go see the new Captain America movie with me on Friday?" Tony asked while pouring more stinking ethanol on a pile of salt.

 

"I can't; Thor and I are going." Loki said and tried not to smile. He had been looking forward to Friday all week; he could sit in the dark and pretend that they were on a date. _Don't think like_ _that,_ he reminded himself.

 

"Alright, I guess I'll force Natasha. I heard a rumour that there would be a naked scene." Tony smirked. He was completely obsessed with the actor that played Captain America; Steve Rogers. He had watched all of his movies; good and bad alike. Loki didn't really see the charm in Steve, but he enjoyed the Captain America movie series, so he always went with Tony to see them.

 

"A naked scene? Not a chance; Captain America is a prude, just like Steve. I can see why they cast him; he barely needs to act." Loki huffed out a small chuckle before lighting a match and setting fire to the salt pile. They watched as the flame turned a shade darker orange than a usual fire.

With every salt they also had to decide which negative ion it contained by subtilize it in distilled water and then add different substances. With quick hands Loki divided the salt into three small bowls and subtilized them with the water.

 

"You got a point there. I mean, a virgin isn't keen on stripping in front of a camera, or what do you think?" Tony said and put two drops of silver iodide in the first solution. Nothing happened.

 

"A virgin? Steve can't be a virgin; he's famous." Loki argued, and Tony shrugged.

 

"There was a rumour about that too," he simply explained.

 

"Yeah, but there was also a rumour that he is dating _Peggy Carter_. You know better than to believe dumb rumours," Loki huffed and gave Tony a small bottle of barium sulphate.

 

"But Steve confirmed that he was dating Peggy three days ago." Tony gave Loki a look and arched an eyebrow.

 

"He did?" Loki was surprised; he hadn't expected someone as timid as Steve Rogers to actually make an impression on someone as cool as Peggy Carter, the world famous movie director.

 

"Yeah, on Twitter. Where have you been, man?" Tony turned his head to the three small bowls and put the barium sulphate in the second solution.

 

"Not on Twitter," Loki resorted. Tony rolled his eyes quickly before staring intensely at the unaffected solution.

 

"What’s supposed to happen exactly?" He questioned and gestured to the bowls.

 

"I don't know," Loki sighed and bent over to look closer at the solution, "I guess we'll see." With those words, Loki poured nitric acid into the third and last solution. It bubbled up violently with a frizzling sound; almost bursting up in their faces. Both Tony and Loki jumped back, and a small yelp escaped Loki's mouth.

 

"So…" Tony started as the solution calmed again, "carbonate?" He suggested. Loki nodded in agreement and wrote it down in his notepad.

 

~

Loki and Tony were deep engrossed in a conversation as they walked through the corridor to their next lesson; physics. So engrossed that Loki almost walked past Thor without noticing. But Thor reached out his hand and gripped Loki’s elbow, stopping him.

"Hey, I was just about to text you." Thor said and Loki smiled at him.

 

"What for?" He asked, but when Thor didn't smile back he got worried.

 

"I know that I said that I would go to the new Captain America movie with you on Friday, but Sif asked me if I wanted to go and I said yes. I hope you don't mind." Thor bit his lip and a surge of pain rushed through Loki's body. Sif taking his place, again? He had looked forward to this Friday for such a long time, it had been important to him, and now…

 

"It's alright." Loki forced himself to smile, despite the pain in his chest.

 

"Are you certain?" Thor asked, but it looked like he didn’t care about the answer.

 

"Yes, I had forgotten that we were going to watch it anyway. I promised Tony that I would go with him." Loki said and Tony looked at him with a confused expression.

 

"Good, perfect." Thor said and grinned. "See you later, brother." He slapped Loki's shoulder lightly before continuing his way down the corridor. As soon as he had left Loki sighed and closed his eyes, trying to control the growing ball of disappointment and anger that were stirring inside of him.

 

"Are you okay?" Tony asked and placed a hand on Loki's shoulder, just were Thor's hand had been just a few moments ago. Loki harshly shook it off.

 

"Yes, I'm fine." Loki said through gritted teeth. The anger was starting to spread over him, like waves of fire crashing against his skin.

 

"Are you sure? Because you do look like you could use some sedative right now." Tony half-joked.

 

"I'm fine." Loki growled, then he left Tony's side.

 

"Where are you going? Our lesson starts in three minutes!" Tony yelled after him, but Loki didn't answer, he just kept walking.

He wasn't sure where he would go, but when he stopped in the school’s parking lot he wanted to laugh. Of course his feet would lead him here. Sif's car was parked right in front of him; grey, new and shiny. Loki's hand slipped into his pocket, fingers grasping around his jackknife. He started to circle the car, studying it; what would he do to it? Calmly he unfolded the knife, weighed it in his palm, and closed his hand hard around the red plastic handle. It felt good and it felt like something to hold onto, and the storm in his chest settled a little. With a weapon in his hand he felt like he was in control. He huffed and reached out his arm, almost like he was in trance. As he let the sharp blade caress the car's side and leave a long trail after itself, he thought about Sif. About how she had stolen Thor from him, how Thor smiled at her, how she had provoked him at the dinner table. How beautiful and funny and just generally _better than Loki_ she was.

When Loki finally walked back into the school, the car had several slashes on its left side. He entered the classroom with a smirk plastered on his face and sat down between Tony and Natasha, who both gave him questioning looks.

 

~

 

Loki exited the classroom, alone. Tony had stayed behind to talk to their teacher, Mr Banner. He did that after almost every physics lesson; both of them were geniuses who enjoyed each other's company. Natasha, well, she had been tying her shoe when Loki left. He’s aware of the fact that he should've waited for her, but he was numb in that way you always became after a fit of rage had left your body.

 

"Loki!" Someone suddenly called out, and Loki turned around to see who. It was Natasha, trying to catch up with him.

 

"What?" He asked when she was in front of him, but just as she opened her mouth someone interrupted them.

 

“You disgusting little shit!” A woman’s voice shouted behind him, and Loki turned around again, just in time for his face to cushion a fist. The punch had probably been impulsive because it had been spineless and poorly aimed.

It was Sif who had punched him. Now she was standing in front of him; eyes blazing with anger and Thor hovering behind her, holding her arm to keep her from attacking Loki again.

“You destroyed my car!” She yelled at Loki.

 

“I did not!” Loki defended himself, and he was surprised by how offended he managed to sound when accused of something that was completely true.

 

“Who else would do it?” Sif sneered.

 

“Why would I do it?” Loki asked.

 

“Because I’m going with Thor to see Captain America,” Sif said, and it seemed like she realised how silly it sounded as soon as the words left her mouth. “Besides, you’ve always hated me.”

 

“Sif, I know that Loki has always been a bit ill-behaved, but you are suggesting a different thing entirely,” Thor said and stroked his palm over Sif’s back, trying to make her see reason.

 

“You won’t even _consider_ it!” Sif hissed back at Thor and took a few steps away from him so that he couldn’t reach her. Thor sighed and walked up to Loki, grabbing his arm.

 

“Let me have a word alone with him,” he told Sif and dragged Loki with him until they were out of earshot. When they had stopped, Thor looked deep into Loki’s eyes. Loki knew that it sounded cliché, but whenever he saw Thor’s eyes he thought about a glittering sea on a warm summer’s day. There was not really a different way to describe them. “Loki, I want you to tell me the truth,” Thor said.

 

“Of course.” Loki resisted the urge to swallow the lump in his throat, because that would give him away.

 

“Did you destroy Sif’s car?” In Thor’s eyes a hint of disappointment already was prepared to break out at Loki’s answer. Well, Loki was not going to give Thor an unwanted answer.

 

“No, I didn’t. I swear.” As soon as Loki had uttered the words, Thor’s face brightened considerably. He wrapped his arm around Loki’s shoulder and they walked back to the two young women waiting for them.

 

“Loki has assured me that he’s innocent,” Thor said, letting his arm drop from Loki’s shoulder. Loki missed the weight and the warmth of it.

 

“And you believe him, just like that?” Sif asked in disbelief. “At least search his pockets!” She demanded as a last resort.

 

“For what?” Thor asked and glanced at Loki fleetingly. _Shit,_ Loki thought, _shit, shit, shit!_

 

“For that blasted knife he’s always carrying around.” Loki didn’t know how Sif knew about the knife (it’s not like he’s parading around with it in his fist) but he was sure that she saw the panic in his eyes, because she smirked triumphantly. Thor gripped Loki’s leather jacket and stuck his hands in the pockets, feeling around for the knife. Loki’s heart was beating hard, the pulse in his ears drowning out any other sound. But when Thor’s hands left the pockets of his leather jacket, Loki’s heart almost stopped. What? He had put the knife in his jacket, had he not? Maybe he had stuck it in his jeans pocket… Thor seemed to have the same thought, since his hands padded over Loki’s jeans, all the way down to his black army boots. But he found nothing.

 

“Sif, there’s nothing on him,” Thor sighed. Loki locked eyes with Sif, and because he liked to play with fire, he wiggled his eyebrows for a second. Sif’s expression turned hard again.

 

“Thor, it’s so obvious that it was _him-_ “

 

“Enough. It wasn’t him. He told me he didn’t do it and I trust him,” Thor looked between Loki and Sif. Loki’s chest ached a little, the familiar stab of guilt. He knew that he didn’t deserve the trust Thor had in him, and everyone else knew it too. Everyone except for Thor.

 

“Blindly,” Sif commented before she shook her head. “I can’t take this. He could kill someone and wear their skin as a dress and you would still find him innocent. He is rude to me every time I meet him and you won’t even say anything about it!”

 

“That’s not true...” Thor started, but Sif cut him off.

 

“It is. I’m done, it’s over.” Sif turned on her heel, stalking off with Thor running after her, asking her to wait. She didn’t stop and Thor kept chasing her, until they were out of sight. Loki and Natasha stood in silence and watched them disappear around the corner, their footsteps echoing in the near-empty corridor. Loki sighed deeply. He should feel victorious; Sif had finally broken up with Thor. Instead he felt the guilt eating on his insides.

 

“You dropped this.” Natasha said after a minute, holding out her hand. Loki looked down in her palm; his jackknife was resting there.

 

“Thanks,” he said and retrieved the knife and tucked it into his pocket.

 

“Loki,” the worry was evident in Natasha’s voice, “what have you done?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don’t like how I wrote Sif in this story… she’ll be back, eventually, and I will make her character justice. Sorry baby :(


	5. Chapter 5

Loki would say that he was a good liar. He didn’t know how he had picked up on it or how he became so good at it, but he was. When he was younger he only lied when he really needed too, and when he realized his talent for it he lied mostly because it was fun. Nowadays he lied more than he spoke the truth, and when he didn’t lie, he was cowering behind a mask to hide his feelings and thoughts. What advantage could he ever hope to have if he let people read him like an open book? He knew how that served Thor. Thor wore his heart on his sleeve and everyone could see his mind reflected in his eyes. Or at least those who knew what to look for. For example; Loki knew perfectly well that Thor was angry at him and had been the last week. He was angry because Sif had dumped him due to his habit to overlook every one of Loki’s misdoings. Loki liked that habit, because Thor always had this extra space in his heart reserved only for Loki. Thor loved him like no one else did, not even their parents. But even so, it could be annoying to have an endless stream of love from Thor, because Loki really liked to provoke people or make them uncomfortable. But whenever Loki tried to provoke Thor, he just tensed up a little before waving it away with a smile. Of course they had always been fighting like siblings do, but it had never moved past a few ugly words and a rather soft punch in the face. Not now, though. It was quite refreshing to have Thor pushing him harshly out of the way instead of asking him to step aside, or to see Thor struggle with his physics homework instead of asking Loki to help him, or to sit alone in his room for hours without getting bothered by Thor. Of course it was a bit boring as well, to always be left alone and ignored. He had confronted Thor about it four times, but Thor assured him that he wasn’t angry. Thor, as opposed to Loki, had always been a terrible liar.

Right now, Thor’s previously silent rage had taken a turn for the more aggressive; Loki had slipped into Thor’s room and ‘borrowed’ a moss green sweatshirt that was both boys’ favourite, even if it originally belonged to Thor. Thor had noticed it when he had entered Loki’s room for the first time in days, and his eyes had immediately turned dark and furious.

“I told you not to take it!” Thor shouted as he attacked Loki, yanking the sweatshirt that Loki was wearing over his head. A bunch of Loki’s hair got tangled up in the zipper, ripping out of his skull painfully. He ignored the tears that gathered at the corners of his eyes

“What the hell is wrong with you, you fucking Neanderthal?!” Loki screamed when he was free from the shirt. Thor had always been so gentle when he claimed the shirt back in the past.

Loki’s hair had been gathered up in a bun at the top of his head, but now most of it hung at the side of his face. He usually wore his hair slicked back with hair products, but it was Saturday and he was sitting on his bed studying, and the hair had kept falling into his eyes so eventually he gave in to a horrible baby blue scrunchie.

“I told you not to take my shirt,” Thor said and removed the strings of hair that had caught in the zipper. “I’m sorry about the hair.”

“Get out of my room!” Loki aimed a halfhearted kick towards Thor, who easily avoided it by taking a step back. Loki threw whatever’s in reach at Thor. At first it was just pillows, but Thor fled from the room when Loki started throwing books at him. He regrets it as soon as Thor has closed the door behind him. What if one of the books were broken or torn now, thanks to his temper? He scooted from the bed and inspected the books carefully. None of them seemed damaged, so he collected them and the pillows and moved back to his bed. He sighed heavily. Thor had some anger issues for sure. He couldn’t stand not being in Thor’s good graces, not when he hadn’t initiated it himself. Well, in a way it was his fault, but he never intended it to turn out like this. Their fights had been worse than this, but they had never dragged on for so long. They had always been a bombshell, not a battlefield. But Loki sure as hell wasn’t going to be the one to apologize first. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He had just been in love. _No,_ _I’m not in love,_ Loki thought to himself, _it’s just hormones._ He rubbed at the sore spot on his head where the hair had been ripped out. _I couldn’t be in love with such a raging dumbass._

Just an hour later, Thor stuck his head inside of Loki’s room.

“Get out!” Loki threw a pillow at his stupid face again, but Thor easily slid behind the door to protect himself. When he peeked inside again, a pillow hit him right in the face.

“Loki, just listen to me.” Thor pleaded, but Loki only shouted a _fuck off_ in response.

“We need to ask you a… _favor_ ,” said someone from the doorway and Thor’s three best friends Volstagg, Hogun and Fandral stepped into the room. The presence of the latter made Loki regret his choice of wearing sweatpants and an old t-shirt with a faded print. Before he developed an incestuous crush on Thor, he had hosted warm feelings for Fandral. In fact; it was that way he had discovered that he was gay.

“What favor?” Loki looked at the four young men in front of him with suspicious eyes.

“You see, we are going on a Maroon 5 concert this weekend, and Sif was originally going with us –“ Thor started, but Fandral cut him off.

“But since Sif and Thor broke up, she isn’t coming with us, and we feel that we are lacking a black-haired beauty to accompany us on this trip,” Fandral said with a charming wink. Loki arched an eyebrow in a silent question. “The black-haired beauty is you,” Fandral explained and Loki’s face heated up slightly. “Well, you will be,” Fandral continued and eyed Loki’s tousled hair and sweatpants, “after a shower.” If Loki had ever considered saying yes, that last comment made him change his mind immediately.

“Fuck you Fandral,” he sneered and got up from the bed. Fandral instinctively took a step back, as if he believed that Loki was going to hit him. Loki just bumped shoulders with him, hard, on his way out of the room.

“Where are you going?” Thor called after him. Loki usually stormed off to his room when he couldn’t stand people’s existence anymore, but since he was storming off from his room he wasn’t sure where he was heading. His eyes quickly settled on the bathroom door.

“I’m going to take a shower,” Loki shouted over his shoulder.

“Does that mean you agreed to go with us?” Volstagg asked hopefully. Loki rolled his eyes to himself while he opened the door that led into the bathroom.

“No!” He screamed back at the small group of boys before he slammed the bathroom door shut behind him. He made sure to lock it. He undressed and turned on the water, checking the temperature with an outstretched hand. When he was happy he liked the water to be warm, even scolding on a very good day. But when he was sad or angry, like now, he liked the water to be somewhere between tepid and cold, depending on how deep those feelings ran. He stepped in under the spray and the cold water drops felt like small needles on his skin. It felt good. He knew that enjoying cold showers where frowned upon by most people, but he didn’t care. He almost liked being frowned upon, to a certain degree.

He turned off the spray of water and began to shampoo his hair. A part of his scalp was still sore from Thor’s manhandling earlier. He stopped dead in his motions as he heard a sound that was way too familiar for his liking; the little scratching sound of a coin being used to unlock the bathroom door. Even though he couldn’t see who was entering from behind the shower curtain, he knew that it was Thor. Who else would be disrespectful enough?

“Loki,” Thor’s deep voice sounded, echoed a little against the tiles.

“You have no respect for privacy at all, do you?” Loki asked and continued to massage the shampoo into his hair.

“I needed to talk with you without you throwing books at me.” Loki could hear a smile somewhere in Thor’s voice, and considered throwing the shampoo bottle at him just for the sake of it. He didn’t though; if Thor would just apologize for his behavior the last days they could move past this and be back to normal.

“I don’t want to go with you to the concert. I don’t get anything out of it and besides, I don’t even like Morning 5,” Loki said with a sigh.

“Maroon 5,” Thor corrected, but of course Loki already knew that. He said the wrong name just to annoy Thor.

“Yeah, yeah... I mean, sell the ticket or something instead, and get some money for it. Surely that makes more sense than forcing your brother to go and see a band he doesn’t like.”

“Please, I want you to come with us,” Thor said with lowered voice. Why was it so important that Loki came along? Thor had other friends; one of them surely liked Maroon 5.

The two of them had done this many times before; one standing outside of the curtain while the other was in the shower, talking to each other. When they had been younger, like seven years old or something, they had even shared the shower from time to time, just to save time and water. It hadn’t been strange since they were brothers and innocent children. He supposed that it would be very strange now thought, if Thor would strip down and join him in the shower. Loki could imagine it with perfect clarity; the way Thor would step in behind him and lather up his back with soap. Thor’s hands would massage his shoulders and work their way down until he was kneading Loki’s ass and it would be slippery with foam, and Thor would rest his head on Loki’s shoulder and breathe heavily in his ear at the sensation.

“Loki?” Thor asked and Loki was snapped out of his fantasy abruptly. _Note to self; don’t have sexual fantasies about your brother when he is standing 3 feet away from you!_

“Hm?” Loki asked and thanked all the gods he could remember the name of for the shower curtain that hid his flushed body and his perking cock from Thor’s sight.

“Will you come with us?” Thor asked again, the question that Loki had missed out on while in his imaginary porno.

“What’s in it for me?” Loki asked, but he could already feel his resistance falter. As well as he was in Thor’s good graces, Thor was in his.

“I stop being mad at you,” he offered, and Loki smiled. It might be worth a shitty concert.

“You said that you weren’t mad at me,” Loki reminded Thor.

“I lied,” Thor said, but Loki couldn’t tell if he was confessing or boasting.

“Yes, and very poorly so. You’re transparent, brother,” Loki mocked and turned on the water, stepping into the cold spray. “Where is this concert anyway?” he asked as he started to knead his scalp to rinse out the shampoo.

“Um… Portland,” Thor mumbled and Loki almost didn’t hear him. This time Loki peeked out from behind the curtain. Thor smiled at the sight of the patches of shampoo left in Loki’s hair.

“Are you joking?” Loki asked and Thor shook his head. Portland was at least a three hour journey away. A shitty concert had maybe been worth it, but a road trip with Thor and his irritating friends? Not at all worth it. He was about to refuse, but Thor had put on his “kicked puppy look”.

“Okay then, I’ll come with.” Loki hated himself for being so easily persuaded by some stupid, manipulating facial expression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the late update, I was away for a few days and I simply had no time. But I wrote this chapter on the 5 hour train journey home today...
> 
> So, I saw Thor 2 the other day. Amazing. I absolutely loved it. I'm going to go and watch it again on Saturday :3
> 
> Oh, and by the way, the whole "unlocking the door with a coin" thingy, I don't know if you guys have ever done it, but my sister and I did it all the time when we were younger. Of course it only works on certain doors, but Thor and Loki has one of those doors in the story *shrugs* Same thing with sharing a shower when being kids; it might seem weird to you guys, but my siblings and I did it a lot when we were kids, so... yeah.  
> Happy Halloween by the way!


	6. Chapter 6

When Loki and Thor were younger, they had been best friends. They still were, in a way, but they didn’t spend every moment together like when they were children. At first their parents had been worried that they would become incapable of socializing with people outside of their family, but those worries disappeared when Thor started school and became friends with almost everyone. Naturally, they thought that Loki would mimic this behavior when he started school as well, but that didn’t happen. Loki became an outsider, even if he wasn’t exactly bullied or mocked. But he had this aura around him that pushed people away, and no one knew why. He even pushed his parents away slightly. Thor was the only one who could really get through to him, perhaps because Thor understood him like no one else and accepted him wholeheartedly. The barriers were never up for Thor. Of course, Thor was worried about Loki as well as their parents and teachers were. He often dragged Loki along with him when he hung out with his friends; to movie nights and bowling sessions and when they went to the beach. Loki never really felt like he was completely part of the group, they were _Thor’s_ friends, but he felt acknowledged enough to quite enjoy their company. As Loki grew older, he stopped enjoying their company; they weren’t really _his_ kind of people. Plus, by then he had developed a ridiculous crush on Fandral, and he didn’t like the effect the older boy had on him.

Everything changed when Tony Stark moved from New York to Seattle. By then, Loki was 13 and still pushed everyone away. Tony was Loki’s kind of people. His smart and sassy remarks somehow penetrated Loki’s barriers and that earned him a punch in the face. Tony agreed to talk Loki out of detention in exchange for a truce that included Loki coming with him home to eat pizza and watch a movie; also that Loki wasn’t going to punch him again. When Loki saw Tony’s house for the first time, his jaw dropped in awe. Tony’s father was the owner of Stark Industries and very rich as well as very absent, Loki came to learn. From that day, they were friends, growing stronger each passing day. Thor was suspicious against Tony at first, and maybe even a tad bit jealous, but he accepted Tony soon enough. That didn’t stop him from dragging Loki with him and his friends from time to time, only nowadays it was usually when they needed to fill out a gap or even out their numbers.

Or when they needed someone to come with them to a concert without a reason. Now, Loki was sitting crammed in between a car door and Fandral. Thor was sitting in the front seat, Volstagg was driving and Hogun was sitting on Fandral's left side. Loki hadn't chosen the seat himself, but it had been the only one left after they had packed their things into the car and getting ready to drive away in a hurry to get to Portland in time.

"So, you said that you didn't like Maroon 5. What do you actually listen to?" Fandral asked him. Loki wished that Hogun had been awake so that Fandral could speak with him instead.

"Different things," Loki answered.

"Yes, but _what_?" Fandral inquired.

"He listens to Mozart and Bach, you know, that sort of thing." Thor said from the front seat and the two of them shared a small laugh. Loki wished that he could rip out their tongues to stop them from uttering another sound.

"So you're a classy guy then, who only listens to classical music?" Fandral's tone was teasing.

"Not only." It was true that he mostly enjoyed classical music, but he also listened to Bon Iver, City and Colour, Lana Del Rey and Sufjan Stevens, to name a few. And Tony had actually managed to get him into some old school rock.

During the first two hours, when Volstagg was placed behind the steering wheel, Maroon 5 blasted through the speakers. Loki didn't understand how people could stand listening to this crap; it sounded like the lead singer was suffering from some severe nasal problem. But as the last hour was approaching, Thor suggested that he would take over the role as driver.

"Your stomach is rumbling loud enough to scare the children in China," Thor said to Volstagg, "and you know that you don't focus as well when you are hungry. I can drive, don't worry about it."

“And I’ll be in the passenger seat!” Loki exclaimed and unbuckled. The car pulled over to the side of the road and he rushed to the front seat as Thor jumped over to the driver’s seat and Volstagg took over Loki’s place beside Fandral.

“Why so eager?” Thor asked as he pulled back onto the highway again.

“Not eager, just not very fond of Fandral,” Loki replied and Fandral shouted out an offended _‘hey!’_ from the backseat. Thor let out a low laugh.

“For the love of everything that is holy, can we please change the music?” Loki asked.

“There’s a CD in the pocket of my duffel, at your feet,” Thor said and Loki looked down. Indeed, by his feet a shabby duffel bag rested. He took out the CD and inspected it, but it was unlabeled. When the music started to play after a change of CDs, soft and rhythmic music flowed through the speakers. It sounded old and wasn’t something that Loki would usually seek out to listen to, but it was perfect background music.

“What is this?” He asked Thor.

“Fleetwood Mac.”

“I like it… I’ve never heard you listen to them before though,” Loki stated and leaned back in the seat.

“Sif used to put it on as our make-out music.” Thor huffed out a small laugh, but his eyes looked pained. A stab of guilt spread through Loki’s soul. “She burned the CD for me the day before we broke up.”

"Were you in love with her?" Loki asked and turned his head to watch Thor. He sat quiet for a few minutes, with his eyes on the road and the corners of his mouth tilted slightly down, like always when he was deep in thought.

"No," he said at last, "I mean, I liked her very much, but I wouldn't say that I loved her. But given the time I might have." He shrugged. Loki kept studying his face; the scrubby little beard, the dark lashes and the incredibly blue eyes. The line of his jaw, the lips, the nose…

“What are you looking at?” Thor asked him and sent off a small smile his way.

“Your nose.” Thor laughed at that. Loki loved that it was so easy to draw a laugh from him.

“Why?” Thor asked and Loki shrugged one shoulder.

“No reason really,” he said casually.

“I’ve been told several times that it looks like someone pushed a dice into the tip of my nose,” Thor informed him, but he couldn’t tell if Thor was amused by it or somewhat offended.

“It must’ve been a very well-formed dice then,” Loki offered, in case Thor had taken the words to heart. Thor turned his head around and locked eyes with Loki.

“Are you flirting with me, Mr. Odinson?” Thor teased with a smirk and a glint in his eyes. Loki felt as if cold water had rushed through his whole being. _Relax, he’s just joking,_ he told himself and forced the tension to leave his body. It left him with a lingering feeling of discomfort.

“Eyes on the road, handsome,” he simply teased back and Thor chuckled, but turned his eyes back the road nonetheless. Loki turned to stare out the window while enjoying the music. After a while Thor started to sing along with the music, and Loki felt a smile dress his lips. This road trip might not be so bad after all, as long as he could spend some quality time with Thor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that the chapter is rather short, but I didn't want to leave you with nothing. I'm going away for a couple of days (I'm going to one of the big cities to see my favourite band live!!!!) so that's why it was sort of a shorty-chapter this time. Hope you liked it though. And just for the record, I actually quite like Maroon 5, so it's just Loki who is bashing, not me.


	7. Chapter 7

Loki had been very prone to illnesses as a child. He had been wrapped up in a cold more often than not. Thor, on the other hand, had almost never been sick. Loki found it very unfair that Thor had gotten all the good genes. The ones that turned Loki short, lanky and pale, while Thor was tall, broad and easily got a golden tan in the summer – even in rainy Seattle! But when Loki entered puberty, the bad health let go of him. His mother said that it probably had something to do with the changed hormone balance in his body, but Loki liked to think that he had just gotten stronger.

 

However, he was certain that he was going to get a cold now, because a tired looking girl with a runny nose had coughed into his neck for the greater part of the concert. He had tried to move away from her, but he was firmly trapped between Thor and Hogun.

The concert had been long and the band was even worse live, but every time Loki regretted his decision to come with he reminded himself of the upcoming night. Before the concert, they had checked into the pre-booked hostel and well, since the original plan was that Sif was going with them they had booked one room with three beds for Volstagg, Hogun and Fandral and one room with a queen-sized bed for Thor and Sif to share. Except now Loki was going to share the bed with Thor. He had stopped dead in his tracks when he had opened the door to their room and been confronted by the intimacy of it. Thor had only laughed, patted his shoulder and said that it wasn't weird since "they were brothers". Yes, not weird at all… just that Loki's stomach was housing a trash party for butterflies every time he thought of what might happen in the dark. He tried not to think about it, because nothing was going to happen. His brother would probably snore and Loki would probably steal the sheets and that would be all. But his mind roused him with images of Thor's strong arms holding his slighter body, or Thor whispering sweet nothings in his ear, or the slight weight of Thor's head on his shoulder, or Thor pressing soft kisses just below his jaw…

 

"Start moving; the concert is over now!" Fandral yelled through the noise of the crowd and cut him out of his thoughts. Loki held a tight grip on Thor's shirt to not lose him in the sea of people.

 

"What did you think of the concert?" Fandral asked them once they were outside in the chilly night air.

 

"It was awesome!"

 

"Absolutely amazing!"

 

"I loved it!"

 

"It sucked."

 

Everyone's eyes turned to Loki, who had been the last one to speak.

 

"Come on, Loki," Volstagg said, but Loki pursed his lips stubbornly.

 

"They just aren't good! I don't know how you can possibly enjoy listening to them. Besides, I had a coughing girl behind me," Loki crossed his arms and they started to walk towards their hostel; it wasn't that far away.

 

"I heard her too," Hogun put in.

 

"Congratulations; you _heard_ her. I had her spitting in my neck for two hours." The rest of the group looked at him for a moment before they continued talking about the concert, only they left Loki out from the conversation this time. He couldn't blame them; his bad mood would ruin the good atmosphere that the concert had caused. But he listened to them as they talked fast and laughed and joked and compared and pointed out things to each other. They looked happy and relaxed. Thor even slung his arm around Loki's shoulder at one point, and for once he let it stay there instead if backing away. It almost felt normal.

Back at the hostel, Thor announced that he was going to bed and a chorus of agreeing grunts sounded from the rest of them. They decided to meet at 10 a.m. the next morning to start the drive back home before they parted to locate themselves to their rooms. The moment Loki would lay down next to Thor was growing closer and it made him feel a bit itchy, so when Thor occupied the small bathroom in their room, he decided that it would be better if he went to one of the bathrooms in the corridor instead of waiting.

It was quiet in the corridor, except for muffled laughter from one of the rooms and the ticking of a seemingly invisible clock. He rounded a corner and crashed into a broad chest. He looked up and came eye to eye with Volstagg, who had traces of toothpaste foam in his mustachios. It was impressive how much facial hair Volstagg had for someone who was only eighteen. Sure, Thor and Fandral also had budding beards, but not on this level.

 

"Oh, hello. Did your roommate steal the bathroom as well?" He asked with a smile. Loki smiled back; Volstagg was loud and annoying and had an inhuman appetite, but he had always been kind.

 

"Yes, and you know Thor; he takes ages in there," Loki offered, even if it was himself that usually spent forever in the bathroom. Volstagg shrugged in response.

 

"Well, good night then," He said after a moment and he had almost disappeared behind the corner when Loki called out for him.

 

"Wait!" Volstagg peeked out from behind the corner with a questioning expression on his face. "Did Thor tell you why he brought me along?"

 

"To use up Sif's ticket, of course," Volstagg answered with only a moment of hesitation.

 

"You could've given it to anyone. Why me?" Loki was suspicious about his brother's motives. He had caught Thor looking at him with sad eyes all through the day, but he hadn't asked Thor about it.

 

"I just know that he texted us all at 10 a.m. and demanded that we would help him convince you to come with us." Volstagg said and looked uneasy.

 

"Didn't he mention an actual reason?" Loki inquired. He could smell something fishy here.

 

"I guess he just wanted you to stop fighting and spend some time together before –” Volstagg stopped talking abruptly and a hint of panic glittered in his eyes; like he had said too much.

 

"Before what?"

 

"Before, uh… before your fighting got worse." It sounded improvised.

 

"Are you lying to me?" Loki asked and Volstagg immediately looked more nervous.

 

"No. Good night now," Volstagg turned and all but rushed towards his room, locking the door behind him. Loki was left in the corridor; unamused and his head clouded with thoughts. He went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth while trying to sort out the new information he had gained. _Before what?_ Now he knew for certain that there was a hidden reason. He supposed he could just ask Thor about it before they went to bed, or press Volstagg further in the morning.

Loki spat the toothpaste in the sink and took a piss before he returned to his and Thor's room. Thor was already tucked into bed; his seemingly topless body hidden under the sheets.

 

"There you are! You sure took your time," Thor commented, but Loki only hummed in response. He scanned the room and saw Thor's jeans and shirt in a pile on the floor. He wondered if he should sleep in just his boxers as well, or if he should change into the old washed out t-shirt he had brought along as a pyjamas. He wouldn't be comfortable with being so completely bare beside Thor, but he didn't want to seem like a prude. In the end he decided to not be a coward and dressed down to his underwear. Thor averted his eyes from Loki; his gaze flicked around the room in an unfocused manner. Loki folded his clothes and placed them on the small table beside his side of the bed before he slid down between the sheets. Thor turned on his side to face Loki, and Loki mimicked his actions. The position was intimate and Loki's stomach clenched in excitement.

 

"Are you sure that you are going to sleep without a shirt or something? I mean, you get sick so easily and the room is a bit chilly," Thor pointed out with a caring voice. Thor had always cared so much about him, and taken care of him.

 

"With you as a heat radiator beside me? I would have a greater chance at catching a cold in the Sahara desert," Loki snorted, because even his sheets had stolen Thor's impressive body heat and there was a ten inch gap between them.

 

"If you say so," Thor smiled at him but didn't say anything else, to the point where Loki felt pressured to break the silence.

 

"Though, if I do get sick it's completely your fault," he stated.

 

"My fault?! I'm the one who told you to put a shirt on!"

 

"Yes, but you're also the one who dragged me to Portland so that Ms. Influenza could cough on me." This was it; now was his chance to ask Thor why exactly he had dragged him to Portland.

 

"Well, if you get sick I'll sit outside your room and read to you," Thor said with a beaming smile. Loki forgot all his previous thoughts of interrogation; he had no idea that Thor had saved that memory, that it might be as precious to him as it was to Loki.

When Loki was seven years old, he had gotten the mumps. At first Thor had laughed at him because he looked like a walrus when his throat had swollen, but then his brother felt sorry for him since he was forced to lie in bed for almost two weeks. Thor had been forbidden to enter Loki's room due to the contagiousness of the mumps, but he had spent a greater part of those two weeks placed on the floor outside of Loki's bedroom, with his back leaning against the wall and a copy of Narnia hosted in his lap. The door had been cracked open so that Thor's voice could reach Loki when the older boy read out loud to his sick brother. More often than not, the actual story couldn't penetrate Loki's fevered mind, but the sound of Thor's voice was a comfort in itself.

 

"Thanks," was all that Loki could bring himself to say. He almost jerked back when Thor suddenly reached out a hand and caressed his hair. Loki sighed contently at the touch and they stared deeply into each other's eyes. _I wonder what he would do if I leaned in and kissed him now? Kill me, probably… or kiss me back._ Loki's heart was racing; would he dare? They were lying face to face on a bed, and Thor could doubtlessly feel the tension between them just as well as he could.

And just like that, Thor withdrew his hand and turned to lie on his back. The fluttering hummingbird in Loki's chest died in an instant.

 

"We should sleep," Thor muttered and turned off the lamp on the bedside table.

 

"Yeah," Loki let out breathily as the room turned black.

 

"Good night," Thor said and Loki repeated the phrase. He turned to his back too and stared out into the darkness. He cursed his previous thoughts and felt like a fool. Did he really expect something to happen between them?

The minutes ticked by and Thor's breathing evened out to a slow, steady pace. Loki shut his eyes and tried to go to sleep as well, but he wasn't very tired. Just as he was finally dozing off, Thor sighed a little in his sleep, and a moment later he let out a moan. Loki quickly opened his eyes and held his breath, listening after more sounds. His heart rate picked up again, but he wasn't sure if it was out of excitement or panic. What would he do if Thor had a wet dream or touched himself in his sleep? Loki felt a happy tingle between his legs at the thought, but promptly ignored it. He was on pins and needles for the next fifteen minutes, but Thor made no other sound. Because of the heightened blood flow, Loki now felt wide awake. He listened to Thor's breathing and waited for the sleepiness to claim him. As it was bordering on three a.m., his eyes had adjusted enough to see silhouettes and shapes in the room, and he bet that if he turned his head to the side he could see Thor's face clearly.

Back when his seven-year-old self had the mumps, he had told his mother that his neck was stiff and hurt, and she had responded by helping him get out of bed and dress. Thor had entered the room and asked what was going on, and Frigga had explained to them the best she could that neck pain was one of the leading symptoms of encephalitis as a secondary disease. Loki hadn't really understood what it meant, but Thor did and it apparent that it was dangerous, since he held Loki's hand in a tight grip all the way to the hospital, despite Frigga's protests about how Thor could catch the mumps through physical contact. After a long and tiring medical examination, it turned out that his neck was stiff simply because he had spent too much time staring up in the ceiling.

Very much like he was doing now. His neck was beginning to hurt the same way it had done back then. Loki preferred to sleep on his side, but for some reason he always lay on his back when he's unable to sleep. It had been a lot of that the last year; sleepless night that he spent studying his ceiling, head swimming with confusion and guilt, attempting to repress the recently discovered feelings he had for Thor. He was still fighting against them, but his resistance was beginning to weaken.

Loki supported himself on his elbow as he pushed his torso into a half-lying position to be able to gaze down at Thor's sleeping form. His face was peaceful; mouth open slightly to let out small exhales, eyelashes casting dark shadows over his cheeks, a tangle of hair resting across his forehead. _Great, now you’re a creep who watches him sleep._ With a heavy sigh Loki bounced back down on the mattress.

He didn't sleep anything that night. The next day he spent the long ride home asleep with his head pressed against the car window. Fandral accused him of being lazy, but Loki barely registered the accusation as he was lulled to sleep by Adam Levine's nasal voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm sorry about the delayed chapter. Thursdays are my update-day, and it's Saturday... but guess what; I do have an excuse! And this one is actually legitimate. I had a huge ass essay that I wrote from Monday to Thursday night. So I've been spending my Friday and Saturday writing this chapter, and I hope you enjoyed it. Oh, and Adam Levine is Maroon 5's singer, in case you didn't know. See you next Thursday :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if there are any typos or mistakes, but I was dead-tired while editing the final draft so that's why.

There were two sorts of dreams that Loki found it kind of uncomfortable to have. The first was wet dreams; those usually involved vivid images of Thor doing all kinds of dirty things to him, and Loki always woke up with his hands shoved into his underwear and his heart bathing in guilt.

The second one was fever dreams; Loki had those frequently when he was sick. They were blurry and strange, and when he woke up he either tried to forget all about them or laughed at them.

This time, it was a combination of the two. Loki was writhing around in his bed, hot with fever and his head heavy with a headache. He was slipping in and out of consciousness. Whenever he was half awake, he heard himself pant and moan before he slipped back into sleep again. In his dream, Thor had him standing on his hands and knees, pounding into him from behind. Thor placed his hand on Loki’s neck and pushed his face down into the mattress. Loki had large horns growing out of his head that tore holes into the bed linen with every thrust Thor made. He called Loki _a dirty animal_ and grabbed Loki’s horns tightly, drawing them back so that he got access to nibble at Loki’s earlobe and bite at his neck. _“You’re just a filthy beast; begging for someone to take care of you. Would you like that? I could wash you up nicely and then you could be my pet,”_ Thor breathed hotly in his ear. _“Only mine…”_

Loki woke up again, just as he was pumping his cock a few final times before he came with a groan. His semen stained the sheets and made his fingers sticky, and he wondered where his boxer briefs had gone. He found them barely hanging on around his left ankle and pulled them on again. With a sigh he turned over to his back and stared out into the darkness of his room. _What the hell kind of dream was that? Horns, really?_ He wondered briefly before he tried to go back to sleep even as the smell of semen made its way to his nostrils. He didn't like the scent; not because it smelled particularly bad, but because it smelled dirty. It smelled like biting into your pillow to muffle your moans, it smelled like perverse fantasies about your own brother, it smelled like _guilt_. It smelled like changing your sheets, stuffing them into the laundry basket and not looking into your mother's eyes for the rest of that day, because you’re well aware of the fact that soon she will wash them and she will _know_. Loki's head still felt like cement, so he was lulled into a dreamless sleep in no time, even with the foul smell.

He woke up later by the sound of Odin yelling through the house about how he couldn't find his car keys. Loki tried to remember if he had taken them or not, but he didn't recall such a thing, so he assumed not. He tried to go back to sleep, but soon heard the sound of his door opening. Loki looked up and saw Thor; dressed in jeans, his hair was wet and clung to the sides of his head and neck, water drops were making their way down his chest and abs. Loki studied the drops' journey with hungry eyes, but Thor slipped a t-shirt on in motion as he made his way over to Loki's bed.

 

"Hey," he said and sat; the mattress dipped down slightly under his weight.

 

"Good morning," Loki croaked back; his throat was sore to the point where he could barely speak. _You are probably sitting in my dried semen right now. I thought about you while I spilled it._ Loki studied Thor’s face and wondered how he would react if he could hear Loki’s thoughts.

 

"How are you feeling?" Thor put his hand on the side of Loki's neck; to comfort or to check how warm he was, Loki wasn't certain. Thor's steady grip on his neck reminded him of his dream.

 

"I am still plotting your death for bringing me to Portland," Loki answered, but the coughing fit he had at the end of the sentence probably made him seem a bit less threatening. Thor looked at him with guilt in his eyes and moved his hand up in Loki's (unwashed, but still fabulous) hair.

 

"Again; I'm sorry," Thor bit his lip, which was a rare action. Loki loved Thor's lips; they looked so inviting, and he loved them even more when they were trapped between Thor's teeth.

 

"Thor! You must leave now or you'll be late for school!" Their mother's voice sounded from downstairs.

 

"I must go, but just text me if you need anything," Thor tangled his fingers out of Loki's hair and gave his head one final pat before he stood up. "And you should definitely open a window before you actually die in here," he added with a teasing voice and crinkled his nose.

 

"Shut up!" Loki threw his pillow at Thor, who caught it and tossed it back to him. Thor chuckled on his way out. Frigga came into his room not long afterwards with his breakfast on a tray; he should go back to being sick more often if it meant that he got treated like royalty. His mother planted a kiss on his forehead and told him that she would be leaving for work in a couple of minutes as well. When everyone had left, the house was unnervingly quiet. Loki sat up and placed his pillow behind his back and the breakfast tray in his lap. The pale sun was shining in through his window and warmed him up a little, as much as a spring sun could. Loki ate slowly and tried to enjoy the food despite his sore throat that made everything taste like garbage.

 

Around midday, Loki dragged himself out of bed and put on a pair of sweatpants to go with the washed out t-shirt he had slept in. He went downstairs, slouched in the couch for a while and watched _Xena the Warrior Princess_ until he got a bit cold in his thin t-shirt. He made his way upstairs again and tiptoed into Thor's room; feeling like an intruder when he was there without permission. He glanced around the room and found what he was searching for; the green sweatshirt. Putting it on, he started to make his way around in Thor's room. He had been in here thousands of times, but rarely ever alone. What could he find in here? Porn magazines? Condoms? Loki went to Thor's bed where it stood pushed against the wall that separated their rooms. If Thor had been awake late last night, he had possibly heard Loki moaning; he knew from experience that the walls weren't very thick. He picked up Thor's pillow and buried his face in it; inhaling deeply, filling his head with Thor's scent. _You are pathetic_. He put the pillow down and lifted the sheet; looking for stains that would reveal if Thor also had nightly activities. Of course he had; Loki had even heard him a time or two (and palmed himself through his pants as a result). There was one, small stain in the middle the bottom sheet. Thor's sheets were grey, which made the light spot scream out its presence. Loki blushed and let the sheets fall back, then he made his way over to Thor's desk. Thor had initially intended to do his homework there, but somehow he always ended up at the kitchen table with his books spread out in front of him. His desk, on the other hand, was often filled with various objects; everything from old movie tickets and books to vanilla scented candles and seashells they had collected at a beach 7 years ago. Loki looked them over and a smile spread over his face; so many memories. Thor had always been a bit nostalgic. In a frame was a picture of them; Loki was ten and Thor was thirteen. Loki had his arms crossed over his chest and his face turned to the right in sharp profile. Thor had one arm slung around Loki's shoulders and was making the peace-sign with his other hand. Loki picked it up, studied it for a while, and his heart ached with longing for the easier times. There were other framed pictures besides this one; their parents' old wedding photo, a group picture with Thor, Fandral, Volstagg and Hogun, a strange family photo that they had taken years back. And another photo of Loki; in this one, he was 14 and sitting on a pier with his legs dangling over the edge, his feet in the water. He had a troubled look on his face, which Thor had explained looked very "artistic, deep and beautiful" when Loki had asked why he wanted a picture of Loki brooding.

 

When he put the picture back in place, his eyes caught a carefully folded paper hidden under a book. It was obvious that it had been concealed on purpose. Loki picked it up and unfolded it, scanning his eyes over it quickly. An acceptance letter from a college located in New York; Loki wasn't familiar with the name. His heart froze to ice. Was Thor going to New York? Why hadn't he mentioned it? The letter was dated in January, and it was the end of April. Suddenly Volstagg's cut off sentence echoed through his head; _"I guess he just wanted you to stop fighting and spend some time together before-"_ it was easy to fill in the blank now; _"before he leaves you."_

Loki had to sit down in the desk chair because his knees felt weak with anguish. Thor would be gone, and soon too, on top of that. Would it all be over then? All the time spent together; watching movies, cooking, talking through the shower curtain? All the hugs and caresses through his hair? Who would now make him "Thor's special pancakes" for his birthday, or speak with him on a daily basis?

Loki glanced over at the clock on Thor's night stand; 14:35. Thor would be home soon; he could confront him about it then. He inspected the acceptance letter closer; the term starts at the end of August. Thor will live in a dormitory. The course is… carpenter? Loki arched an eyebrow. Sure, Thor had always said that he might want to be a carpenter, but he had also mentioned other things, so Loki had thought that carpenter was his last resort and not his dream.

Loki was buried deep in his thoughts, but snapped out of them when he heard the front door open and close from downstairs. He rose from the chair and went to meet Thor. His brother was kicking off his shoes when Loki reached him.

 

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Thor asked and placed his palm on Loki's forehead.

 

"I'm fine," Loki pushed his hand away.

 

"I bought you one of those disgusting caramel coffees you like," Thor held out the mug towards him. He took it with his left hand; the right one was holding the acceptance letter behind his back.

 

"Thanks," he responded stiffly. _Is he being nice only because he's leaving?_

Thor smiled at him before turning around and heading towards the kitchen.

"So, New York?" Loki asked and Thor froze in his motion. He turned around and Loki waved the letter in front of his face.

 

"Loki, I–"

 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Loki cut him off.

 

"I was going to, I promise, but I didn't know how to say it and I postponed it and then I tried to tell you when we were in Portland but I didn't want to ruin the good time we had…" The words tumble out of Thor's mouth, his tone begging for forgiveness.

 

"So you're just going to leave me?" Loki's voice was hoarse and laced with anger. Thor couldn't do this to him. Abandon him like this; leaving him all on his own. He needed Thor by his side; he needed Thor's hugs and kind words and teasing and bickering.

 

"I…" Thor quieted, weighing his words. Loki felt ridiculous where he stood with a coffee in one hand and a paper in the other; glaring into Thor's sad eyes.

 

"You know, you could stop being so fucking selfish and think about others every once in a while." Loki's sharp words seemed to hit Thor like a punch to the gut. _I'm sorry!_ his thoughts yelled uselessly to Thor. Loki knew that his words were lies and Thor should know that too; he was anything but selfish.

 

"I'm not only doing this for myself," Thor argued, but what other reason could he have than wanting to discover the world and escape their parents?

 

"Well, you sure as hell aren't doing me any favours!" A split second of rage overtook Loki's actions and he threw the caramel coffee on the floor. The plastic mug broke and the liquid spread a large, dark stain on the carpet. Thor and Loki both stared at it; their parents were going to kill them both if the carpet was ruined.

 

"Are you crazy?!" Thor shouted and Loki flinched; Thor didn't often raise his voice with him. Thor seemed to regret it, because he sighed heavily and walked around the stain between them to place his hands on Loki's shoulders.

 

"I'm sorry; I should've told you about it. It was just so hard to tell you since you mean so much to me, and it was somehow easier to just push it in front of me," Thor explained with a soft voice. He always did this when he wanted to get Loki's forgiveness; talked about how important Loki was to him. And it always worked. Loki stubbornly kept his eyes locked on the ground.

 

"Look at me," Thor urged him, and Loki did as he was bid. "Since I move in four months, shouldn't we treasure our time together instead of fighting?" Thor gave him a sad, but still gorgeous, smile. Loki wrapped his arms around Thor's waist and rested his head against Thor's shoulder. He couldn't even remember the last time he had been the one to initiate an embrace between them. Thor immediately responded by locking his arms around Loki’s back.

 

“Isn’t that my shirt?” Thor asked after a while.

 

“How do you think I found the letter?” Loki questioned and Thor hummed a little. Then silence fell between them and the air was thick with all the things left unsaid.

 

"You can't just leave me here," Loki mumbled and his words got muffled against Thor's shirt. Still, they rang loudly through the soundless room and Thor tightened his hold around Loki..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, sorry for my failed attempt at writing a sexy wet dream scene. You can just forget that part if you want.


	9. Chapter 9

Loki had never been one to complain or whine or even share his feelings. It not that he didn't have problems – God knows he did – but he just preferred to keep them inside. Not the everyday stuff, like homework or annoying parents. But the serious stuff; that, he bit back. He was afraid that once he opened his mouth there would be no end to his confessions, that he would spit out his darkest, dirtiest secrets to whoever happened to be listening. The mere thought made his stomach turn. Still, from time to time he couldn't help but let his friends know what was troubling him.

 

"He's going to what?!" Tony asked, eyes wide with surprise.

 

"Move to New York." Loki rested his face in his palms.

 

"But why?" Tony sounded so scandalized that Loki wasn't sure if he was genuine or if he was just acting, but it felt good to have the sympathy.

 

"Apparently there's some great college with a carpenter course." Loki rolled his eyes.

 

"He's going to be a carpenter?" Natasha asked with an arched brow.

 

"Yes, but the kind that makes furniture, whatever it's called…"

 

"A cabinet maker," Natasha informed and Loki nodded to confirm.

 

"But New York is all the way across the country. It takes what, three days to get there with a car?" Tony leaned back in his chair.

 

"Two, if you don't stop a lot." Loki had done the math. The distance would definitely tear them apart.

 

"Well damn…" Tony sighed and Loki nodded.

They sat in history class, waiting for the teacher to turn up and begin the lesson. She had a habit of arriving late and every excuse was more unbelievable than the previous one.

 

"When did he tell you?" Natasha asked, fiddling with her necklace like she always did when she was thinking. Loki wasn't sure if she was even aware that she was doing it; he had never bothered to ask.

 

"He didn't; I found it out by accident yesterday," he answered. The fact that Thor had knowingly hidden the information from him still angered him, but he tried to think about Thor's explanation; he had simply procrastinated it.

 

"If I had a brother who kept something like that from me, I would probably punch him in the face," Tony muttered.

 

"I didn't punch him in the face, but I did destroy our carpet." Loki confessed and his friends looked at him with confused faces.

 

"How?" Both of them asked at the same time.

 

"By throwing coffee on it," Loki explained and Natasha sighed.

 

"You know, you seem to have taken a liking in destroying things when you get angry," Tony commented. Loki simply raised his eyebrows in a silent question, so Tony kept going; "First Sif's car, now the carpet… this is becoming a pattern."

 

"The carpet was an accident!" Loki defended himself, but to no avail.

 

"And Sif's car? Was that an accident too?" Natasha asked with a critical tone. Loki hated that tone; he didn't need anyone to scold him.

 

"No, and we don't talk about it where others can hear!" Loki hissed at her and she rolled her eyes. "Besides, that was in the heat of the moment," he then added.

 

"Jealousy has the habit to drive people over the edge," Tony commented and Loki's cheeks flushed red.

 

"I wasn't jealous," he lied and held his head high to seem more trustworthy.

 

"What made you do it then? As far as I know your brother simply cancelled your little movie date and then you went batshit." Tony gave him a challenging stare, and Loki was spluttering for a whole minute before Tony's face cracked into a smile.

"I'm joking!" He announced and slapped Loki's shoulder lightly. Loki exhaled deeply and tried to make his heart rate slow down. Wasn't he supposed to be good at lying? His tongue had failed him just as he needed it.

He turned to Natasha, who gave him an intent look. The same look she had given Loki all those weeks ago that had caused him to fail his math test. His heart froze over with the sudden realization; she knew. He was almost completely sure that she knew. Panic stirred within him, but he forced it to settle. He could just ignore it, pretend that she didn’t know. But the realization gnawed him all through the day.

 

* * *

 

“Are you alright?” Natasha asked him and he snapped out of his thoughts. He was usually so attentive, but all the things that had happened recently had him trapped in his mind. This time, it was the troubling decision between talking with Natasha about his feelings for Thor or shut up about it.

“I just- never mind.” Loki decided against telling her in the last second. If she knew, she knew. He shouldn’t confirm it for her.

"Well, my class starts in a minute. But just call or text me if you need to talk about it." Natasha said and plucked her gym bag out of her locker. She had P.E. now, while Tony and Loki had finished school for the day. Their schedules were almost exactly alike, but due to Natasha’s decision to honor her heritage by studying Russian, she had to move her P.E. lesson.

“Talk about what?” Loki asked. Maybe he had interpreted the look she gave him the wrong way? Maybe she talked about something else?

“Thor. That he is moving and all that,” she explained.

“Yes… Enjoy P.E.” They went their separate ways; Natasha headed to the gymnastics room and Loki went home. He wondered how she would react if he told her; she had always been open-minded. Though, people were expected to _not_ be open-minded about socially taboo things like incest. He hated that word. It came from the words _in_ -, which meant "not", and _castus_ , which meant "pure", the dictionary had told him. “Not pure”. He and his feelings weren't pure; they were dirty, damned and frowned upon. He was disgusting.

Those thoughts followed him all the way home. When he stepped inside of the house his mother told him that he could find food in the kitchen, but he simply declined and fled to his room. There he rested on his bed, facing the wall instead of the door which he usually faced when he slept. Someone entered his room and sat down behind him on the bed.

 

"Is something the matter?" His father asked and put his hand on Loki's shoulder. _Yes, your son is not pure._

 

"No, I just feel tired," Loki said. It wasn't a lie; he felt emotionally drained.

 

"Perhaps you're not entirely well yet. Do you want to stay home from school tomorrow?" Odin never, ever encouraged his children to stay home from school. Loki's sulking had apparently made quite the impression.

 

"No, it's alright." He knew that if he stayed home he would probably just wallow in self-disgust.

 

"Are you certain? You look pale," Odin commented and Loki snorted.

 

"Thanks dad; fifteen years and only now you notice that I didn't inherit any pigment." Loki had often compared his porcelain skin to the rest of his family's golden ones, but he wasn't very jealous. Sure, it would be nice to have a bronze tan in the summer just like the rest of them, but he actually liked the black-and-white combination his skin and hair had going on.

 

"That's not what I meant," his father sighed. "You’re almost see-through."

 

"I just recovered from the flu; do you expect me to look like the American Dream?" Loki sat up and turned to face his father.

 

"I know you are sad that Thor is leaving-" Odin started, but Loki cut him off.

 

"Great deduction! What gave it away; the coffee stain or the tears on my face?" Loki's voice was dripping with sarcasm, but underneath it he was embarrassed. He hated to cry in front of people, especially his parents, and when they came home last night he had been crying in Thor's arms. His parents had been sympathetic until they had seen the destroyed carpet.

 

"Loki…" Odin warned and Loki sighed. Odin opened his mouth to say something more, but just then they heard someone entering the house and Thor's voice shouted hello.

 

"Go be with your brother now," Odin said and Loki trudged downstairs with heavy steps. He wasn't in the mood for Thor's company right now. Even if the atmosphere was light and heartwarming, it didn't penetrate Loki's gloomy thoughts or feelings. If anything, the knot in his stomach got tighter with each hour. Eventually, he understood that he needed to vent and dialed Natasha's number.

 

"Hello Loki," she answered after two tones.

 

"How did you know it was me?" He asked instead of his planned 'hello'.

 

"Caller ID," Natasha said.

 

"Right. Listen, I need to talk to you," he said, nervousness obvious in his voice.

 

"Okay," Natasha responded immediately and the squeaking of a chair travelled over the line as she probably made herself comfortable.

 

"But not over the phone like this." Loki cast a glance towards the door. He was alone inside his room, but he didn't want to risk that someone overheard.

 

"Do you want to come over?" Natasha didn't live far away; five minutes with a car at tops, but he needed some air.

 

"Let's meet halfway instead," he decided. It was the end of April, bordering on May, so he only needed his leather jacket even if it was 9 p.m. Thor spotted him as he was lacing up his boots.

 

"Where are you going?" He asked.

 

"To see Natasha." _To talk about how my body is telling me to fuck you._ Loki almost snorted at his inner joke.

 

“I can drive you if you want,” Thor offered carefully. Loki had been in a stingy mood all day.

 

“No thank you,” Loki said and zipped his jacket before leaving the house.

As he walked he listened to the sound of distant cars and gravel beneath his feet. He kicked at the pebbles on the street and the occasional dandelion that had stubbornly grown between the cracks in the asphalt. It didn’t take him long to reach the park that were located somewhere between his house and Natasha’s. Natasha was already there, sitting on the bicycle stand and waiting for him. He sat down beside her quietly. They were silent for a bit; watching two teenagers sitting on the swing set a few yards away and probably discussing the meaning of life or something equally unimportant.

Loki could feel it in the air between him and Natasha; if he decided to tell her, there was no turning back. He took a deep breath.

"You know, don't you?" It was barely a question, more like a request for confirmation.

 

"It depends on what you are referring to." Natasha said, but Loki was almost completely certain that she understood what he meant.

 

"I can't just say it in case you don't know," Loki persisted still.

 

"Yes," Natasha sighed, "yes, I know. Or, I've had my suspicions." She avoided eye contact and licked her lips nervously. It was obvious that she wasn't ready for this conversation, and Loki was unsure if he was either.

 

"And?" Loki's heart beat hard. Would she turn him away now and call him a disgusting freak?

 

"And it's wrong, Loki." His heart sank at her words. "It's illegal, for all I know." She looked at him with a concerned expression.

 

"Yes, it is." He lowered his head in shame. Of course this is how she would react. Had he expected something else?

 

"Have the two of you, you know… _done_ anything?" Natasha asked then and Loki's head snapped up to look at her with wide eyes.

 

"No! Thor doesn't know anything; it's just me who likes him,” Loki assured her, and she nodded.

 

“I'm not judging you or anything. I mean, it's normal. Hormones and the first love and being attracted to the people closest to you and all that," she said and kicked at the ground.

 

"Yes, it's just hormones," he agreed. He should feel relieved, but his chest still felt tight with discomfort. She might start treating him differently now.

 

"So maybe it's for the best that Thor is moving to New York,” she continued with a halfhearted shrug.

 

"How? How can it be for the best? How can it be positive that he is leaving me here all alone?" Loki asked with furrowed brows. He couldn’t see it like that.

 

"Do you even hear how obsessed you sound?" Natasha asked.

 

"I know… I hate it," Loki turned his gaze to the teenagers on the swing set again. They were kissing now. Their lives were easy; they were not in love with their siblings. _Hormones,_ Loki repeated, _not love._

 

"So what are you going to do?" Natasha broke the silence that had settled between them.

 

"I don't know. What can I do?" It all felt so very hopeless.

 

"Distance yourself from him. He's moving across the country; take advantage of that." Natasha suggested. Loki hadn't looked at the situation like that, but suddenly he could see the silver lining.

 

“Perhaps,” he said and forced a smile, which she returned it with just as much stiffness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess you are starting to connect my username to my updating... no, but I thought that maybe you would like a well-written chapter rather than a rushed one. I'm not too fond of this chapter though...


	10. Chapter 10

Loki had never really reflected over how things would be when Thor moved out. Well, not realistically anyway. When they were children, he had naturally thought that they would live with their parents forever. But when he learned that they were expected to fly out of the nest one day and settle down with a family of their own, he had a different vision. He decided that he wanted to live next door to Thor, so that their children could play together and their wives could become best friends and they could visit each other as often as they wanted to. He shared this thought with Thor, who seemed to like it just as much as he did. But when he became a teenager and his feelings for Thor arose, that's when the unrealistic part started. He imagined that Thor and he could share an apartment. First as brothers, but the vision changed when his feelings grew stronger. Then he imagined them as lovers; sleeping in each other's embrace at night, cooking each other breakfast in the mornings and kissing each other goodbye when they left for work. Those fantasies were always happy and bright and filled with sun streaming through the windows. Those fantasies were only allowed late at night in his darkest moments. Those fantasies were crushed now. Not that they had ever been a possibility, but they felt close enough whenever Thor came and woke him up in the mornings, or when they parents were away and Thor cooked for him, or when they brushed their teeth side by side in the bathroom.

Now, Thor's room was noticeably emptier and his moving boxes were being carried to the car. There weren't a lot of them, not enough for Loki to offer his help. Instead he stood and gloomily watched as Thor and Odin loaded the trunk.

It was a sunny morning. Seattle was known for being rainy, but on the only day Loki actually wanted it to rain, the sun was smiling at them. Loki glared at the sky; he wished that the clouds would gather and let a heavy, grey rain fall to reflect the tears he refused to let out.

 

"We're leaving in five minutes!" Odin yelled through the house and everyone gathered the things they would need for the small trip to the airport. Loki and Thor placed themselves in the backseat, Frigga and Odin in the front. Their parents were small talking, but neither Thor nor Loki said anything; both were pretty tired from getting up at 6 a.m. after a summer of not rising before 11.

It was the beginning of August and Thor was moving to New York. Odin were coming with him to help him get settled and would return in a few days. Loki had tried to convince his parents to let him come with too, but apparently they "weren't made out of money". So Loki would have to say a short farewell on the airport. Though, he spent most of the previous day in Thor's room; sitting on Thor's bed and watching him pack the last of the stuff he would bring with him. Loki supposed they should've used the time to talk, but they had mostly been silent throughout the whole time, just drinking in each other's company. But what was there to say? "Please don't go"? "I'm going to miss you"? All the words seemed used up and it would be a waste of breath to utter them again.

 

"We are very silent," Thor said quietly, but it was enough to shake Loki out of his thoughts. He tore his gaze from the window and the landscape rushing by, and looked at his brother beside him instead.

 

"Yes, but what is there to say?" He asked in return. Thor sighed and shrugged. The morning light caught the motion and reflected in Thor's necklace. It was a hammer made of tin, hanging in leather cord. Loki had given it to him for his birthday last month. Originally Loki had planned to not get Thor a birthday present to punish him for leaving, but when he saw it at the market Frigga had dragged him to, he just couldn't resist. Not only was it fitting with a hammer now that Thor was going to be a carpenter, but he would be carrying around something Loki had given him constantly, almost as a mark of ownership. Like a collar with a tag; "if found, return to Loki". Besides, it had only cost about 2 dollars. Thor had put it on the moment he got it and not taken it off since, and he had seen it as a sign that Loki had forgiven him for moving. Which Loki hadn't, he had simply resigned to the fact.

Loki turned his eyes back to the window. They had spent last few months closely together, in a desperate attempt to ease their separation and simply use the time. It hadn't worked as good in practice though; with Loki still hurt, it didn't take more than a few minutes together before he was sneering angry and sharp remarks at Thor, who got hurt and angry in return, causing them to argue and fight hotly until Loki was sure that he was either going to punch Thor or kiss him. Whenever he was leaning too much towards closing the distance between their lips, he fled in panic to protect himself under Natasha's wings. He was spending much more time with her now than before; he had crashed at her place at least once a week since he had confessed to her. She didn't treat him differently because of her knowledge, perhaps a little more carefully, and Loki felt like he had a steady point in her. He could go to her and complain about Thor or his feelings for said boy. It was a small freedom in itself, at the same time that he felt uncomfortable about the knowing look in her eyes. She probably judged him, even if she had claimed differently. She was also probably slightly annoyed with him for burdening her with such a secret, even if she was shouldering it well.

Thor and Loki had had a big fight over the fact that he spent so much time with Natasha instead of Thor. "I'm leaving soon," Thor had said, "and you can't put off some time to spend with me?" He was so selfish. Then he had asked if Natasha and Loki were an item, and Loki wanted to laugh in his face. Thor was so clueless sometimes. No, Loki had spent so much time with Natasha because they were constantly fighting, and when they weren't, the feelings Loki had for Thor were overwhelming.

Those feelings didn't feel overwhelming now. He was sure that he could tackle them. He just wanted his brother here with him.

 

"Look," he said, "I'm… sad that you are leaving." It took some strength to force the words out. It was no longer in his nature to be honest. "Maybe I just have separation anxiety, but can't you stay? It's not too late to turn back, just… stay." _You're supposed to distance yourself from him, idiot!_ Loki swallowed the lump in his throat and turned his head to look at Thor. His brother was sleeping with his head rested against the window. Loki felt how disappointment and shame filled his heart. Seriously? He had bared his soul like this and Thor slept through it? His cheeks were hot with embarrassment and he aimed a hard kick at Thor's shin. He woke up with a yelp.

 

"What?" Thor glanced around with a disorientated look on his face.

 

"Sorry; I was stretching my legs and accidentally nudged you. I didn't mean to wake you up," Loki said with a sweet, apologising smile.

 

"It's okay," Thor yawned and looked out of the window. He pointed at a small diner they drove by. "Sif and I had our first date there."

 

"In a shabby diner?" Loki asked with badly disguised scepticism.

 

"We were both broke and the food was good, so I see no downside to it really," Thor explained.

 

"Except for that it's so unromantic that it should've made her turn and run the other way," Loki mocked.

 

"If you think romance is all about fancy restaurant and expensive food, then I pity your future girlfriend and fear for the state of your personal economy," Thor mocked back and Loki felt his cheeks heat up again; with both embarrassment and irritation. He wanted to yell at Thor and rip out his hair and punch his two front teeth out. But he bit it back, determined to not ruin their last hours together. He had already ruined their last months together.

 

"One thing I never could wrap my mind around is why you became so upset when Sif dumped you if you were going to move anyway. Or had she planned to come along?" Loki asked.

 

"Well, since I had already applied for the college when we started dating, we said that we would have a distance relationship and if we were still together after a while she would move too." Thor's words were like a knife in the heart. Even _Sif_ had known before Loki.

They arrived at the airport not long after that. It was crowded for being so early, people chatting loudly and flight delays being called out by a monotone voice through the speakers. Thor and Odin checked in the luggage and then it was time to say goodbye. Frigga hugged Thor tightly and told him to take care of himself. When Thor turned to Loki, he was already fighting back the tears. Loki rolled his eyes at him and slipped into his outstretched arms. He rested his head on Thor’s shoulder and felt how Thor nuzzled his hair.

“I’ll call,” Thor said with a thick voice and Loki could feel how his own eyes filled up with tears.

“Okay,” he answered simply; his hot breath were ghosting over the side Thor’s throat and dampening the skin there. He was tempted to plant small goodbye-kisses there as well but he pressed his nose close instead, inhaling the wonderful, familiar scent of Thor. Musky cologne and sunshine and love and tight hugs, that’s what Thor smelled like.

“We need to go in a minute,” Odin reminded them and Thor let go of Loki.

“Right… it’s not like I’m going out to war,” Thor chuckled. It sounded forced and matched the single tear that had escaped Thor’s eyes and was lazily making its way down his face. Loki wiped away his own stubborn tears with his hand; he had promised himself that he wasn’t going to cry today.

Thor opened the duffel bag that was his hand luggage and pulled the green sweatshirt from it; the one that they had always been fighting over.

“Here.” Thor held it out to Loki, who didn’t protest before taking it and putting it on. It was too big and smelled like Thor.

Then they were leaving. Frigga and Loki looked while Thor and Odin got checked up before entering the gate that would take them to their flight. Thor turned around hastily and sought them out with his gaze. When he saw them he waved one last time and the two brothers smiled weakly at each other before Thor turned back to join the flood of people who were going in the same direction as him.

Loki watched as Thor's back disappeared in the crowd. If Loki's life was a rom-com, this is where Thor would turn around and run back to them, take Loki in his arms and kiss him and telling him that he had changed his mind; that he wasn't going to New York. But Loki's life wasn't a rom-com and Thor didn't change his mind.

The car ride home was filled with bad music blasting from the radio. At first Frigga had attempted to start up a conversation, but she caught the hint when Loki kept giving short replies. When they came home the house seemed too empty and quiet, just like how Loki felt inside. He felt cold to the bone and drained of all motivation to do anything but lie down in his bed and sleep the long months away until Christmas when Thor would come home again. He was on his way to do just that when his mother called out for him. He followed her voice to the kitchen.

“What do you want for dinner today?” She asked him.

“Anything will do.” Loki didn’t have any appetite anyway, so it hardly mattered. Frigga looked at him and apparently she saw how hollow he felt. She walked up to him and put a hand on his elbow.

“How are you, sweetie?” _Sad. Frustrated. Tired._

“I’m fine,” he assured her, putting on a faked smile. But Frigga has always had a way to see through him, or she just knew him too well. In that way she and Thor were alike.

“I’m going to miss him too,” Frigga said and Loki nodded; he let his mask fade and slumped his shoulders. He let his face reflect the deadness inside of him. Frigga reached out her hand and tried to stroke Loki’s hair affectionately, but he turned away from the touch. That was reserved for Thor. But he let her wrap him into a warm hug and kiss the top of his head. Maybe her embrace could hold the pieces of his heart together for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the chapter is late, but I've had a really shitty week and my computer kept fucking up all weekend. But I hope you like it. And from now on I will update on Saturdays, because it fits better into my schedule.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we begin, there's a few things I need to say:  
> 1\. I know this chapter is a whole week late and I apologize for that. I said in the beginning of this story that I might be late with updates sometimes because of school, and well... finals came and hit me in the face harder than I had anticipated.  
> 2\. I'm not an American, therefore some things in this story might be inaccurate. I try to look up most things on google, but sometimes I just assume that things work like they do in Sweden, where I live (oh, by the way; if there's any swedish thorki-shippers out there, please say hello!).  
> 3\. It may be that I skip a lot of "dead time" in this story, but I hope it won't feel rushed. This story is about Thor and Loki and their relationship, and that's where the focus will be. If I wanted to write about all the things that Loki gets up to in the "dead time", I would've written "Loki's memoirs" instead. Just so that we got that sorted.   
> Right then, I hope you will enjoy this chapter :)

Life without Thor was dull. That was the best way to describe it; dull. Not that it was uneventful; it's just that Loki couldn't go home in the afternoon and tell Thor about everything that had happened and everything he had done. He could call, but it seemed unnecessary to call just to say that Tony walked into a door. That was the sort of thing he would tell him in a passing, like with all those small things and details that weren't important, but still meant everything. All Thor knew about Loki's life nowadays was what Loki told him during their weekly conversations.

September came and with it Loki's birthday. September was a horribly dull month; the only one worse was maybe March. He wasn't a sweet summer child, like Thor, or a strong winter child, like Natasha; he was in between and it was boring.

 

"You sound like a dying duck," Loki commented when Thor had finished singing happy birthday to him over Skype. Thor chuckled in return.

 

"You're turning soft on me," he said and Loki rolled his eyes.

 

"You wish." Loki sat cross legged on his bed with his laptop in front of him. It was good to see Thor again; this was the first time they skyped since Thor had moved and Loki had really missed his stupid, handsome face.

 

"So, how does it feel to be sixteen?" Thor asked with a grin. Loki's heart ached a little at the sight of it.

 

"I woke up this morning; three inch taller and with an excessive knowledge of adulthood," Loki answered and Thor shook his head.

 

"I expected nothing less. Now open your present; I asked mom to hide it under your bed." Thor looked at him with sparkling eyes. He loved to give presents and Loki loved to receive them; another proof that they are soulmates. Loki looked under his bed; a wrapped gift with a small bow on it was placed there. Loki wished that he could say that Thor always gave him the best gifts, but it wasn't true. They weren't bad, but they weren't pinpoint perfect either.

 

"What is it?" Loki asked as he pulled it into his lap.

 

"Open it," Thor said and looked on with eager eyes as Loki carefully opened the wrapping. "Come on, tear it!" He urged. Loki clawed at the paper and ripped it open with such force that it earned his hands several paper cuts. Inside was a book.

"Thank you!" Loki let his eyes skim over the summary. “It sounds very interesting. Thank you, Thor.”

“You’re welcome,” Thor said and smiled warmly. Loki smiled back, but he didn’t inform Thor of the fact that he already owned a copy of the book.

**~~~**

Loki hadn't realized how dependent he was on Thor to give him physical affection. It is said that one needs at least eight positive touches per day. With Thor gone, Loki received none, and that made him almost as miserable as Thor’s absence. Well, he had started to turn to Frigga for comfort from time to time, when he felt extra sad, but he was constantly afraid that she would somehow figure him out. It wasn't normal to sulk months and months on end over your brother, was it?

It wasn’t fair; sweet, normal, golden-son Thor could run off to New York, while Loki the Freak got stuck under their parents’ spotlight of attention.

**~~~**

Autumn didn't only bring a new school term, but also a new headmaster. His name was Mr. Fury and everyone peed their pants when he walked into the building, except for Loki and his friends, of course. Sure, Mr. Fury showed off this badass image (he even had an eye patch, like what the hell?!) but Loki simply didn't buy it.

Things were changing in the teacher squad as well; Mr. Banner had taken over their class in Chemistry and Biology, so now he handled all of their natural science. It was good, Loki liked Mr. Banner and Tony had almost been delighted enough to fly through the roof. And in English they had a new teacher; Mr. Coulson. He was odd, but no one but Loki seemed to pick up on it. Mr. Coulson looked at him in a certain way that made him feel a tad bit uncomfortable.

**~~~**

It wasn’t that he was crying about Thor being gone either, or lived with a constant ache in his heart (that only happened when he started to think about Thor and about how much he missed him), but he was just… floating along, for lack of a better expression. He went to school, he came home, he did his homework, he ate and he went to bed, on repeat.

“Maybe you should get a goldfish and name it Thor,” Tony suggested one day.

“Why on earth would I do that?” Loki asked in puzzlement.

“Because ever since Thor moved you have been all doom and gloom.” Tony said matter-of-factly.

“And you think that a _goldfish_ can replace him?” Loki glared pointedly at him.

“Probably; you always did tease him for having a low IQ.” Loki couldn’t help but snort at that. He didn’t defend Thor’s intellect; why would he unless it was true? Thor was intelligent and cunning, but he was not on the genius level that both Tony and Loki showed. He was intelligent in a different way; he was smart and could think outside of the box, and he was emotionally gifted. He could connect with people and understand them in a way that neither Tony nor Loki could, and that was an impressive and enviable cleverness in itself.

**~~~**

"Loki, can I have a word with you?" Mr. Coulson asked as the dismissed students were streaming out of the door. Loki swallowed and stilled his steps. Tony and Natasha gave him and then each other questioning looks before leaving him to his fate. He watched with longing eyes as the rest of the class disappeared out of the room and down the corridor. Mr. Coulson still gave him the creeps.

“Come with me,” Mr. Coulson said and exited the classroom. Loki followed with little hesitation. They walked in silence with Mr. Coulson’s steps echoing off the walls.

“Where are we going?” Loki asked cautiously, because he recognized this corridor and where it lead.

“Mr. Fury’s office.” _Damn._ Loki couldn’t think of a reason to why he was being escorted to Mr. Fury. He hadn’t misbehaved any more than anyone else. His heart stopped for half a second when he thought that maybe they had in some way found out about his feelings for Thor. Then he felt ridiculous; why would they care about that?

"Loki Odinson," Mr. Fury said when they entered. He scanned Loki with his single eye and then smiled. Loki didn't like that look on him. "Mr. Coulson has told me all about you."

"That's highly unlikely since Mr. Coulson doesn't know anything about me," Loki shot back, which caused Mr. Fury to let out a small laugh.

"I've kept my eyes on you, Loki," Mr. Coulson said and Loki grimaced at the words. "I've been informed that you don't participate in any after-school activities or play any sports."

"That's correct." Who had the time, energy or enthusiasm for sports anyway?

"And I've heard that you're a troublemaker," Mr. Coulson finished and Loki's heart beat a little faster. He tried to think of anything he had done recently; nothing specific came to mind. Sure, he drew penises on the walls and helped Tony steal some chemicals from the labs to experiment with, but nothing worse than that.

"Yes, but not anymore really," Loki said with a faked smile. He hoped they didn't notice.

"Well, we're not here to discuss that. From what we've heard, it seems that you have a lot of free time," Mr. Fury concluded.

"I suppose so." Loki shrugged. He had no idea where this conversation was leading.

"A lot of students graduated last term. Your brother was one of them, right?” Loki didn’t answer, so Mr. Fury carried on. "It happens that the main writer of our school's newspaper graduated as well, and her successor simply isn't… _fit_ for the task. Mr. Coulson told me about you and the quality writing you have displayed in your essays. We want you to take over the post." It was a lot to comprehend. Loki had come here, thinking that he would get scolded and instead he received praise. Should he accept the offer? He wasn’t sure; it was a huge responsibility and he valued his free time. _What do you do in your free time, exactly?_ Loki asked himself. _Cry and masturbate? This is an opportunity. Go for it!_

“I would like that,” Loki said, determined to keep his cool. He didn’t want to seem unenthusiastic though. “Very much,” he added with a stiff, but earnest, smile.

**~~~**

“Main writer? That’s awesome!” Thor said when Loki told him the news.

“Mhm. I’m writing my first article right now, actually.” Loki’s laptop was placed on the kitchen table before him. He had been typing quite intensively before Thor called.

“About what?” Thor asked. He always asked and listened and talked about whatever had caught Loki’s interest, whether he really cared or not. Loki loved him for it, but somehow he couldn’t always make himself do the same.

“A new dance school that just started up.” It wasn’t the most interesting story, but he felt that it was a good, easy start into his new post, and people might actually be interested.

“I see. That’s-“

“When are you coming home?” Loki cut him off.

“Soon; the 22nd”

“What, November?” Loki hadn’t expected him home so early. He felt a smile spreading across his face.

“No, December.”

“That’s not soon!” Loki rolled his eyes and even though Thor couldn’t see him, he was sure that Thor could somehow sense it in the annoyed sigh he let out.

“I’ve got school, I can’t just go home whenever I want,” Thor reminded him. _You should never have left in the first place._

And so, it came to be that it was mainly two things that Loki did that autumn; he wrote article after article, and counted the days until Thor would be home.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains heavy mentions of child abuse.

The Odinson family had never been very bound by traditions come Christmas time. Two times they had even decided to "skip" Christmas by using their money on a vacation rather than presents; one time they had gone to Thailand and the other time to Paris. When they celebrated at home they always had a great Christmas tree with presents stocked underneath, your typical Christmas dinner and from time to time a bunch of relatives visited. Loki preferred when there were no relatives around, because they always hugged him even if he barely knew them, or asked questions like 'do you have a girlfriend yet?'

There would be no relatives this year. Odin and Frigga had decided that they wanted to keep Thor to themselves this year, and Loki was completely onboard with that idea.

It was 2 a.m. and Loki couldn't sleep. He had tried to, but he couldn't stop focusing on every car that drove by, wondering if maybe it would stop at their house. It was the 22nd and Thor was coming home for Christmas. Loki had wanted to come with and pick him up at the airport, but his father had said that he should sleep instead. Well, that wasn't really happening. He stared into the darkness and wondered if Thor would look any different or smell any different or _be_ any different. Loki's skin itched with restlessness and he was mindlessly rubbing his foot up and down the mattress. Could Thor just come home soon?! He had almost managed to drift off when a car stopped at their house. The engine turned off, the car doors closed, footsteps orientated towards the front door. Loki wanted to run down the stairs and meet them in the hall, but his body felt too heavy under the warm duvet. _Great. He's finally here and I'm too drowsy to get up. Well done._ He fought sleep as a Thor-related peacefulness washed over him; the mere presence of Thor seemed to help. His eyelids were drooping by the time his bedroom door was pushed open. With a burst of effort, Loki managed to sit up and switch on his bedside lamp.

"Thor?" He asked, because the sudden light had blinded him. He blinked a few times, and correctly; in front of him stood Thor, tall and broad with his golden hair.

"Hey!" Thor said in an excited but hushed voice. Without a word, and probably without a thought, Loki folded back his duvet, silently inviting Thor into his bed. Thor looked at him for a moment, as if he hesitated, before smiling and climbing in between the sheets. The bed was narrow and the fabric of Thor's jeans felt rough against Loki's bare thighs, but it was cozy.

"Aren't you cold?" Thor asked as he lifted the duvet and looked at Loki's attire of a t-shirt and boxers.

"No, I actually am capable of producing body heat. Besides, I raised the temperature on the radiator." He let out a jaw cracking yawn and studied Thor's face. He looked a bit thinner, like he had lost some of his baby fat, and he had an actual beard now. Trimmed and neat, but thick and not like that pathetic fuss he had had when he left.

"Nice beard," he commented and reached out his hand to cup Thor's chin and ruffle through the beard with his fingers. Oh yes, a real man's beard it was.

"Thanks," Thor said and smiled proudly. Then he glanced over at the clock on Loki's nightstand. "It's late. Father said that you would be asleep, but I wanted to say hi in case you were awake."

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep," Loki answered truthfully. Now, on the other hand, he felt sleep coming to claim him.

"I should let you sleep then; you look ready to drop." Thor made a motion to leave the bed, but Loki stopped him with a hand on his arm.

"Sleep in here?" It came out more as a question than a command.

"Very well." Thor eased back into the bed and wriggled a little to make himself comfortable beside Loki. "I've missed you," Thor said quietly and reached out a hand and caressed Loki's hair a few times before letting it rest in the nape of his neck. The touch felt so familiar, so safe and brotherly. _Yes_ , Loki thought with a small smile. _He is my brother. Only my brother._

"I've missed you too," Loki said and turned off the lamp before he nuzzled into his pillow. He thought that was the end of their conversation and was finally able to drift off again. Until Thor spoke up.

"Remember when we were kids and we used to sleep in the same bed when there was a thunderstorm because you were afraid?" Thor whispered with fondness.

"I wasn't afraid," Loki mumbled, "I was just uneasy." Thor chuckled lowly at that.

"Everything was so simple back then," Thor continued and now a stroke of sadness had crept into his whisper. Loki wanted to ask him what he meant, but fell asleep right then.

**~~~**

The next time Loki woke up, it was because of the extreme heat. He felt as if he was suffocating. He remembered that he had turned up the heating in the room, but not like this. He opened his eyes and came face to face with the sight of his brother. Of course. Thor was home. Loki's heart fluttered. It was dawn and the rising sun was filling Loki's room with a peachy-pink light. Everything bathed in the colour, even Thor; he looked achingly beautiful when he was sleeping calmly in the morning sun. Loki studied him for God knows how long. Never ever have he wanted to kiss Thor as much as he did right then. He wanted to reach out and brush Thor's blonde-now-peachy-pink hair out of the way and shower him with small kisses until he woke up with a smile matching Loki's own. The temptation was overwhelming, and Loki turned his back to Thor to keep himself from doing something stupid. He tried to go back to sleep, but between the sound of Thor's even breathing and the heat in the room, it was impossible.

**~~~**

Someone was knocking on Loki's door and the sound woke Thor. Loki himself had been awake for a couple of hours; passing the time by reading or playing on his phone. He turned around again to face Thor; his strong urge to kiss his brother was momentarily gone.

"Good morning," Thor greeted him.

"Good morning," Loki answered.

Their brief conversation was interrupted as the door was opened and Frigga stepped inside of the room.

"Thor!" Her face lit up and she rushed to the bed to throw her arms around her oldest son. She held him tightly and kissed the top of his head several times. Loki watched with a spreading jealousy. He wasn't sure which of the two he envied though.

"I looked for you in your room, but when you weren't there I suspected that I would find both of you in here; sharing a bed like lovers." Their mother laughed and Thor joined in. Loki forced out a few chuckles as well. "Get up now; breakfast is already served."

**~~~**

It was strange how fast things got back to normal. It was as if Thor had never left. It was as if Loki's feelings had never started to fade just a little; they came back and violently pushed away all of the previous night's hope of a platonic brotherly relationship.

Thor didn't make it any easier either. He was affectionate and playful; tickled Loki and surprise-hugged him from behind, caressed his hair and lured the laughter from his throat over and over again. It wasn’t hard to forget to be wary and lean into the touch or tease back instead.

Thor walked up behind him as he was doing the dishes and breathed out a gust of wind in his neck. It caused the hair there to stand on its end and Loki to tense up.

"What are you doing?" Loki asked and sounded more cross than he had intended to.

"I just came to see if you wanted any help," Thor said in defense.

"And it was necessary to slobber in my neck to find out?" Loki couldn't stop the angry words. He didn't want to stop them either; Thor should know better than to come and breathe down his neck and make Loki long for him to press kisses there. _Of course he doesn't know any better_. Loki sighed and contemplated to apologize, but didn't. Thor left without a word.

**~~~**

_I don’t want to spend Christmas like this_. Loki thought as once again the tension between Thor and Loki made itself known by a tame conversation at the dinner table. Frigga looked between them, confused over what had made her sons avoid each other since yesterday. It had been Loki's snappy words that had caused the uneasiness between them. They hadn't been harsh words, per se, but they had been unnecessary and had chilled the warmth between them. Perhaps that was for the best; Loki was still battling his foul desires. Both Thor and Loki were stubborn and not willing to be the one to apologize first. Loki knew he was the one who should apologize, for it was him who had snapped at Thor seemingly without reason, but he hated to admit that he was wrong. Had it been wrong to have a sense of self-preservation?

"Do you want to watch a movie with me later?" Thor mumbled with a resigned look on his face.

"Yes," Loki said and offered Thor a careful smile. Thor smiled back.

It wasn't a very good movie they settled on, but it was starting as they turned on the TV so they decided to watch. It was a Christmas-themed romcom with the catchphrase "Christmas is the time for family and love." The story followed a woman who had run away from home when she was 16 to go on an adventure in Europe. Now she was 24, back in the US and in a stable relationship, but had no contact with her family. Her boyfriend asked her to come with him to his family home to celebrate Christmas and she agreed, only to discover that her own family has moved into the house next door to her future parents-in-law. Both families were bizarre and completely unrealistic. Thor laughed a lot and draped his legs across Loki's lap. It was quite nice, even if the movie sucked; Loki thought that they touched too lightly on the subject of losing a family member, and the ending was rushed.

"So, did you enjoy the movie?" Thor asked when the credit rolled over the screen. Loki shrugged.  "I liked it; it was very funny." Thor said with a smile.

"It wasn't very funny; it was like, mildly amusing." Loki replied and Thor rolled his eyes.

"Nah, you just have a bad sense of humor," he teased and ruffled Loki’s hair.

**~~~**

Christmas finally came around and Loki could lose himself in the homely and comforting atmosphere that it brought.

They were right in the middle of their Christmas dinner when the peaceful celebrating was interrupted by a ringing on the door, and completely gone when Loki answered and Tony stood in front of him with a split lip and budding bruises. He silently stared at his friend for a while; Tony was not only beaten, but it seemed as if he had left in haste because he wasn’t wearing a coat and his shoes were unlaced.

“Hi,” Tony said and swallowed. “Listen, I’m sorry to intrude on Christmas and all that, but I just needed to get away from… yeah.” He trailed off. He wrapped his arms around his shivering self and tried to rub some warmth into his arms. “Can I come in? It’s kinda cold.”

“Yes, of course.” Loki stepped aside to let Tony in. From the kitchen Loki’s family was holding a steady gaze towards the two boys in the hall. Tony waved at them.

“Tony, what happened?!” Frigga asked and left the table to inspect Tony’s face.

“I was at a party and I met this girl who I got it on with, but apparently her boyfriend wasn’t very happy about it,” Tony explained and let Frigga fuss over him. Loki lamely looked on as his mother wet a dishtowel and dabbed at Tony’s bleeding lip.

“Aren’t you celebrating with your family?” Odin asked with a hint of disapproval.

“Dad is out of town and won’t come home until tomorrow morning.” It was a lie; all of it was lies. Tony hadn’t been at that party and his father wasn’t out of town. His father was an asshole who hit his son, even on Christmas.

“That sucks, man,” Thor offered. “Christmas is a time for family.”

“Don’t quote that shitty movie,” Loki complained.

“Oh, you watched that movie too? It was complete crap,” Tony agreed with a smile.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Thor argued, mildly annoyed.

“Yeah, well, they said that Christmas is a time for family _and_ love. I think I honored the love-part with that girl.” Tony winked and Frigga gave him a displeased look, but said nothing. “Besides, my family doesn’t really celebrate Christmas,” Tony added. He looked sad despite his easy tone; he probably wanted to celebrate Christmas traditionally with turkey and presents and loving relatives, instead of with an alcoholic father who laid hands on him.

“Stop talking or it will bleed more,” Frigga instructed and Tony silenced obediently.

“You can stay here if you want and celebrate with us,” Loki suggested and Tony nodded in agreement, still quiet on Frigga’s command.

 _Life is cruel_ , Loki mused when they settled down at the table to continue their meal. _Tony's father hits him and I fall in love with my brother._ Some fates were crueler than others. Tony's father had not only ruined Tony's childhood, but their relationship was also beyond repair. Loki knew that he was risking the same by housing those feelings he had for Thor; if he was ever found out or if he ever acted on them, he would lose Thor and possibly his whole family. The mere thought made his stomach turn. _I'm not in love with Thor; it's just my raging hormones_. He knew that he would be doomed the moment he accepted it, so he denied it stubbornly. But as he looked over at Thor, it wasn't all that easy to deny it anymore. Thor was beautiful and smart and funny and good and everything Loki desired. He felt his emotional walls crumble and his heart beat with acceptance. _I am. I really am in love with him. Truly and utterly, and no laws or social taboos will stop it._

It was a relief to admit it to himself. It was a relief to not fight it. It was a relief to not ban his thoughts. The relief was accompanied by a ton of realization. _I am in love with my brother_. It was a heavy knowledge. It suddenly felt so real, set in concrete, unchangeable. He couldn't push this back into some dark corner of his mind or go back to the stage of denial. He had no choice but to embrace his perversion as a fact. _It’s wrong, wrong, wrong!_ Loki looked over at Thor; he was laughing at Tony’s dumb jokes and the sound filled Loki's chest with warmth. _It’s disgusting! He's your brother! What would mother think? Or father? What would Thor think?!_

Everyone raised their glasses and yelled "Merry Christmas!"

Christmas was a time for family and love. _But you're not supposed to combine the two._

* * *

 _  
_ **A/N:** So, a little Christmas-y chapter. I hope you all had a very merry christmas. I actually had [Thor-inspired hair](http://imsorryimlate.tumblr.com/post/71035472081/thor-hair-for-christmas-my-father-said-that-i) on Christmas. It was fabulous, I loved it :D


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains mentions of child abuse and self harm.
> 
> And I have a very important thing to say; in this chapter, self harm is described as a sign of being weak, and that scars after self harm are ugly. I don't think that, at all. I could write a long essay about self harm, but I won't do that. Just know that if you self harm or have in the past, like me, you're not weak. I encourage you to seek help, but don't feel like a failure or like you are weak. And if you have scars after self harming; they aren't ugly. They aren't particularly beautiful either, they are just neutral. Everyone have scars from the past. Keep this in mind when you read.

Supposedly, it would be easier to be left behind a second time. In a way it was; Loki wasn't crying like a baby this time when Thor walked through the gates towards his flight that would take him back to New York. At the same time it was harder, because it felt more permanent this time; Thor had moved out for real and he wasn't going to come back again, except for visits every now and then.

He had also left Loki with a larger problem than last time. Loki had been prepared for the worst and he tackled it the best way he could. Still, he had trouble sleeping, a headache roamed inside of his skull more often than not and he lost interest in a lot of things that had interested him before. Everything felt so hopeless.

**~~~**

He wrote a thorough review about the shitty romcom he had watched with Thor, only because he needed to fill out the contents of the newspaper. He was sure that he had convinced everyone who actually read his articles to never watch it by now. He sighed and decided that he had deserved a reward for his work, so he left his room to seek out the kitchen. There wasn't much to pick between in the fridge or the pantry; he had hoped for something sweet, but disappointedly washed a blood red apple for himself instead. He heard someone enter the kitchen and by the lightness of the footsteps he could tell that it was his mother. He turned around to face her with a smile already plastered on his mouth.

 

"I was getting hungry," he held up the apple.

 

"I was just about to start cooking dinner but it will take an hour, maybe more," Frigga informed him and he nodded.

"Can I ask you something?" Frigga then asked (as if his answer would make a difference.) Loki leaned back against the counter.

 

"Shoot," he said with a shrug, confident that he knew he had behaved like an angel lately.

 

"Does Tony's father abuse him?" The question took Loki off guard. He had an inner battle with himself for a second or two; he could tell her and then she could call the police, or he could lie. He would have to be stealthier with his lying though; Frigga didn't swallow his bullshit quite as easily as Thor or even Tony or every imbecile at school did.

 

"No, he just doesn't think sometimes and end up in stupid situations, like the one with Mary and her boyfriend." The lie slipped past his lips before he had even decided to lie. Frigga watched him warily for a second before smiling.

 

"If you're sure… But if you suspect something, you can always tell me." She assured him. Do people develop a new sense when they grow up? Something that only adults have? Because some people, usually adults or Russian girls names Natasha, seemed to always know when something was up.

 

"Don't worry about it," Loki smiled and fled to his room. He felt guilty; he could've ended it all by confessing. Perhaps his parents could even take Tony in? He could sleep in Thor's old room and be a new brother. The mere thought of Tony moving in made Loki grateful that he had lied. It's not that he didn't like his friend; he just valued his free time and needed the space sometimes. Besides, it had not been Loki's secret to tell; if Tony wanted it to stop, then he could tell someone himself. Loki felt shamefully selfish for thinking that.

**~~~**

He had told himself to not meet with Natasha and spill his heart out to her. He had told himself to keep these things inside. He had told himself to not let anyone know that his unfortunate crush had turned into actual love. Still, he texted Natasha and they met in the park like they had done the time before. They sat on the swing set now and lazily wobbled back and forth. Natasha clothed herself in a long, black coat made with rich wool to shield her from the cold of the early months of the year. It looked good on her. Loki himself still chose to wear his leather jacket, but he had several layers of clothes beneath it to keep out the chilliness.

 

"Why did you want to meet here?" Natasha asked after he had failed to break the silence for ten minutes.

 

"I have come to a realization.” Loki cleared his throat before continuing, “My feelings for Thor are not only caused by hormones. I'm in love with him. I'm not saying that it's not fuelled by hormones and the brotherly love I hold for him, but there is something real beneath that." Natasha didn't look surprised.

 

"Are you sure?" She asked.

 

"Yes, of course I'm sure, I know what love is!" Loki scowled. "He came home and I was floored by the way my love for him intensified tenfold."

 

"Did you distance yourself, even when you had him close?" Natasha wondered and Loki couldn't keep their eye contact.

"Well?" Natasha demanded, clearly waiting for an answer.

 

"No, I didn't. We spent the whole fucking winter break together and… he slept in my bed once." He hung his head as he uttered the last words. He knew that it hadn't been a very strategic move on his part.

 

 

"Are you actually an idiot or are you just masochistic?" Natasha's voice was steady, but angry. Why was she angry? This had nothing to do with her. She was here for his consolation and to give him advice, not to bark at him for taking one step wrong.

 

"It was difficult to avoid. He was there and I was tired and I wasn't thinking."

 

"So he just climbed into your bed?" Natasha looked at him doubtfully with an arched eyebrow.

 

"Yes," Loki lied. He saw that Natasha didn't believe him, but she didn't call him out on it.

"So what do I do?" Loki asked, swiftly changing the subject. Before she could answer, his phone started ringing and he hauled it from his pocket. "Thor calling" the screen read.

 

"First," Natasha placed her hand over the phone in his grasp, covering the screen, "you don't take his calls." She waited until the phone stopped vibrating beneath her palm before she carried on. "Secondly, you distract yourself."

 

"How, by twiddling my thumbs?" Loki scoffed.

 

"By doing anything that keeps your mind off him, as long as it's harmless." Natasha gave him a stern look. She had probably seen the thin streaks on his underarm last autumn. Loki had tried to find release in the razor blades like so many else. He had read that it would feel like tapping out the pain by transforming it into a physical one. It sure as hell hadn't felt like it. It had stung and he had been scared shitless for weeks that it would scar, that he would carry the ugly red lines on his pale skin forever for everyone to see his weakness. It had healed though, and he had promised himself to never do anything of the like again.

**~~~**

Late at night Loki let his mind wander, straying further than it had before. He let his mind enter locked doors and climb over high walls. What was the point in barricading when it was already too late? It wasn't like a few fantasies would deepen his feelings. So he let himself imagine Thor before him, naked, as his hand slid down in his underwear.

It was different this time. It wasn't a grotesque fever dream or cut off, suppressed fantasy. He had seen Thor naked loads of time, so it wasn't very hard to form the picture in his mind. He imagined Thor's strong hands holding him down and Thor kissing him, biting along his neck and jaw and nibbling on his ear. He imagined Thor's weight above him, how their groins would grind together. He rubbed his hand over his dick to create a similar friction. He imagined Thor's hot breath against his ear, whispering dirty words to him.

He got an idea and put the fingers of his free hand in his mouth; coating them with saliva. He slid his wet fingers down between his legs, curled his body so that he could reach his ass. His fingers slipped between his cheeks and pressed one finger to his entrance. His hole was wound up tight and wouldn't let anything in. He rubbed the pad of his finger over it and imagined that it was Thor's fingers; that made his muscles relax and the tip of his finger slid inside. It's warm, soft and not at all how he expected. He swallowed a moan as he pushed the finger further in. In his fantasy, Thor smirked at him as he started moving his finger inside of Loki. Thor gripped him a little more forcefully and pumped his dick in the same pace as he was moving the finger in and out. Thor craned his neck and licked at one of Loki's nipples. Moved his hands faster. Traced his thumb over Loki's slit. Loki was panting as quietly as he could, but had to bite down in his duvet to keep himself from screaming as he reached his orgasm. His hole clenched around his finger and his seed spilled across his hand.

As he lay buzzing in the afterglow of possibly the best orgasm he had ever had, with guilt churning in his stomach, he absentmindedly spread his seed over his hole, ass cheeks and up his thighs. He would feel disgusted by it in the morning, but right then it felt nice and sticky. Especially if he pretended that it was Thor’s semen.

**~~~**

Tony sat on the windowsill of one of the large windows that took up the greater part of the wall in the stairs between second and third floor. He was smoking – apparently he did that now – but the window was cracked open so no one complained. His bruises had faded and his lip was almost completely healed. The thin mark that indicated that the lip had recently been split made him look tough and cool; from time to time he smiled and winked at someone walking past him and they giggled in delight.

Loki didn't get it; Tony was popular in every essence of the word, but still he chose to spend his time with Loki. Not that Loki wasn't the coolest and best friend Tony could ever hope to have, but he wasn't the obvious choice for someone like Tony. Loki was isolated. Not outcast or bullied, but he was not the same as the other students. He had a different mindset, another aura. He kept them out. The only one who had ever managed to get under his skin without his allowance was Tony, and that's what had sealed their unlikely friendship. Natasha had gotten into the equation somewhere along the way. She was more alike Loki; they were both cunning and calculating, moving through life in their own rhythm, though Natasha was more levelheaded and less prone to explosions of anger. She knew him as well as Tony did, but she had achieved that knowledge by observing him rather than identifying with him, like Tony did. That’s right; Tony identified with _him_. But Loki knew that whatever flaws Tony though himself to have, it was because his father had brainwashed him into believing that they were more severe than they were, if they existed at all. Tony was in fact Loki's favourite male person in the world, even if he didn't parade the fact. Okay, Thor was Loki's favourite male person, but it seemed that he had an unfair advantage by being Loki's brother _and_ love interest, so he didn’t count.

Loki joined Tony by the window, but he remained standing and leaned against the windowsill. Cold air was seeping through the open window and it made Loki's skin prickle even if he wore the green sweatshirt Thor had given him. Tony offered him a cigarette, but he declined firmly. Why would he intentionally get addicted to something that would not only shorten his life considerably but cost him loads of money as well? Loki was smarter than that and he knew that Tony was smarter than that. Still, there Tony sat on the windowsill with a cigarette pressed between his lips.

Loki's phone vibrated in his pocket. He didn't bother to find out who was calling, just ignored it the best he could, focusing on his upcoming conversation with Tony. He waited until there were no other students in earshot before he spoke up.

 

"My mother asked me if your dad beats you." Loki saw Tony's shoulder tense up, saw his body freeze and saw how his stance stiffened considerably. Tony looked at him with wary eyes. Loki felt a surge of power rush through him; 'knowledge is power', as many had said before him. A second later, shame filled him. This was _Tony_ ; he didn't need power over him!

 

"Don't worry; I lied for you." It was possibly the smoothest way to let Tony know that he was aware of what was going on behind closed doors. Loki studied Tony, who relaxed but frowned.

 

"Thanks," Tony said with a poisonous voice; sounding more offended than grateful.

The air between them was fraught with tension and uneasiness for the rest of the day.

**~~~**

Loki's phone rang. It vibrated and the screen lit up; "Thor calling."

Loki stared at it where it buzzed on the mattress. He laid down his book and wrapped his arms around his legs. He clasped his hands together to keep them from picking up the phone. It kept vibrating. Loki kept staring. Natasha's words kept repeating in his head.

He had to fight this, harder than before. It was hard; he thought about Thor all the time, and even when he didn't someone mentioned him and the thoughts of Thor kick started again. He had no problem with talking about Thor when someone asked, but he wouldn't get personal. His friends and parents thought that it sounded more like he was giving a review of a chair rather than talking about his beloved brother. He heard it himself as he was talking, but what could he do? He had to be careful; otherwise he might say too much.

**~~~**

Being in love with Thor was exhausting and, above all, boring. The same thoughts were wallowing in Loki's head over and over again, and by the time he went to bed he was dead tired but unable to fall asleep because the same old thoughts came back to tumble around in his mind again. Day in and day out it was the same; affection, guilt, panic, longing and disgust were coming in waves, then drew back only to wash over him again. Forbidden love was the most horrible thing in the world. Fuck Romeo and Juliet; Loki had it worse by lengths. Would he ever fall out of love with his brother? Would things ever be the same as it had been before this madness started? Would he ever embrace Thor again without being filled with shame? It felt so far away, like a dream he couldn't pursue. But he had to keep his hopes up. Natasha was cheering him on; he could feel it in her supporting glances.

**~~~**

There was a knock on Loki's door and his mother entered without waiting for the usual 'come in'. It was quite rude actually. Who did she think she was? _Well, she is the woman who thrust you out of her vagina,_ his brain supplied. He deemed that argument good enough to not pick an unnecessary fight with her.

 

"What?" He asked. He sat at his desk and studied physics. His phone was turned off and stuffed in the left bottom drawer of the desk. He was itching to pick it up and text Thor, perhaps even calling him. The absence was making itself known by a wrenching sting of longing, constantly there as if Thor had bound a ribbon around his heart and was stretching it across the continent.

 

"Thor is on the phone, he wants to speak with you," Frigga said and pointed a thumb over her shoulder. Okay, perhaps Loki had avoided the phone calls too much, if Thor felt the need to call the home telephone to talk to him.

He walked downstairs and picked up the receiver, his heart fluttering.

 

"Hello," he greeted and sat down in the chair positioned beside the table where the telephone had its place.

 

"Are you avoiding me?" Thor asked. God, it felt so good to hear his voice again.

 

"No?"

 

"Then why haven't you answered any of my calls?" Thor's voice was accusing.

 

"I've been busy," Loki said and picked at a loose thread in his jeans.

 

"We haven't talked for weeks." The statement indicated that Thor didn't believe him. But it was true; Loki had been busy. _Busy trying not to think about you, asshole._

 

"Like I said; I've been busy. I haven't actively missed your calls." Loki let out a sigh. "What is it?"

 

"What is what?" Thor asked. Loki could almost see his puzzled expression over the phone.

 

"What is it that you wanted to talk about that was important enough for you to call home?" Loki clarified with a roll of his eyes.

 

"Oh. No, nothing important. I just wanted to chat; I've missed you." Thor sounded so sad, he probably had his puppy eyes on and Loki thanked the gods that they weren't skyping.

 

"Yeah, I've missed you too," Loki said and tried to keep his voice neutral. He had to keep the phone call short.

 

"What are you doing?"

 

"Homework."

 

"Which subject?"

 

"Physics."

 

"How's school?"

 

"Good."

 

"Anything exciting coming up soon?"

 

"Not really."

 

"I've made some new friends."

 

"Nice."

 

"Yes. They are different from my old friends though."

 

"Hm."

 

Loki kept his answers short and boring through the whole conversation (if it could even be called that), until an awkward silence arose on the line. To be honest he wanted to tell Thor about every aspect of his everyday life and complain about shitty teachers and ask about advice to the whole Tony-situation, and he wanted to ask Thor about his new friends and make him describe his life in New York. He didn't. He had to sacrifice this for the better good, and he hated himself when Thor said goodbye with a resigned sigh, promising to call again soon.

Thor called only three days later. Loki stared at his phone until it stopped ringing, hating himself even more.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I deserve some credit for updating on time, ey? ;)  
> No, but this week have been exhausting!  
> Okay, I edited this chapter when it's late, so if anything is incorrect or weird, just... try to oversee it.

Loki's head pounded and his body was aching when he dragged himself to school. Even if it was late April by now and warm enough that most people wore lighter clothes, Loki was shivering with cold. _I don't have time to get sick right now_! With important tests and essays coming up, even one day away from school could be your ruining.

 

"I'm so tired!" Tony whined as they sat in civics class. He pointedly placed his head in Natasha's lap.

 

"Get off." Natasha swatted him lightly over the head and Tony sat up with a grumpy face. He looked around and his eyes landed on Loki.

 

"Oh, Loki!" Tony sighed and placed his head in Loki's lap instead. Loki didn't like it; he was just about to swat him away like Natasha had done when Tony sat up all on his own.

 

"You're very warm. Do you have a fever?" Tony reached out his hand towards Loki's forehead, but Loki leaned away. "Bud, I could feel it _through your jeans_. And I know that you're not supposed to get a second degree burn through jeans."

 

"Lay off." Loki tried to concentrate on the work sheet in front of him, but his head felt too heavy to think. Natasha leaned over Tony and placed her wrist on Loki's forehead. Her skin was pleasantly cool.

 

"You're practically burning up. You should go home," she decided.

 

"I can't afford that; we have many important lessons today," Loki said through gritted teeth. His headache grew stronger with every breath he took and his blood felt like pure poison.

 

"You won't learn anything while your head feels like it will explode. I recommend a couple of painkillers and a long nap," Tony said and patted his shoulder. Perhaps they were right.

 

When the lesson ended, Loki went to see the nurse. He knocked on the door and a voice called "come in!"

 

"Hello," the nurse said with a friendly smile when he entered. Her name was Maria Hill and she was young and attractive with thick, dark hair.

 

"I'm feeling a bit sick. Can you sign a dismissal card for me?" Loki asked and Nurse Hill walked up to him. When she placed her hands on his cheeks he wanted to take a step back; he hated it when strangers touched him without his permission. But he stood still and let Nurse Hill move her hands to his forehead and then down to his neck.

 

"You definitely have a fever, yes," she said and let go of him. "Is there anything else? Any pain or something that isn't working like it should?"

 

"No, I'm just tired and have a headache."

Nurse Hill nodded and sat down at the small desk in the room.

 

"You must've caught a summer cold," she said as she pulled out a purple dismissal card from one of the desk drawers. "What's your name?"

 

"Loki Odinson." He watched as she wrote his name on the card with a soft cursive handwriting.

 

"There are a lot of people getting sick right now, because of the stress. I'm not surprised that you sickened; it must be very stressful to write for the school paper and study for the exams at the same time." She smiled at him again. _If she only knew how much more pressure I'm under_. Loki made himself smile back.

 

"You read it?" He asked and hoped for a yes; the number of readers had gone up since he became main writer and it would be nice to know that adults found his articles interesting as well.

 

"Of course I do; you've got talent." She finished writing the date on the dismissal card and gave it to him.

 

"Thank you," Loki said, not sure if he was thanking her for the praise or the card. Both, perhaps.

 

"Now go home and re-charge the batteries." Loki nodded and left. He picked up his things from his locker and made his way to the front desk. An elderly woman slid down the glass window separating them when she saw him approach.

 

"How may I help you?" She asked and sounded about as tired as he felt.

 

"I'm sick and I'm going home. Could you put that in the records so that I don't have any unauthorized absence?" He slid the signed dismissal card through the window. She checked over the filled in date, name and signature before answering.

 

"Sure." She closed the window in his face and started to type on her computer.

Loki trudged home and every step felt worse than the last one. His legs were wobbly and his bones ached by the time he got home. The house was empty, since it was noon and his parents were at work. He followed half of Tony's advice; he stuffed himself full of painkillers, but he didn't dare to go to sleep. What if he had another one of those weird fever dreams again? Last time he had been sick, those dreams had been highly disturbing.

He wondered what he was supposed to occupy himself with, if not sleep. His head hurt too much to watch TV, read or write something for the school's newspaper, as well as studying. He paced around his room for a couple of minutes, but he grew more and more weary. _I need to sleep_. It was ridiculous to fear a potential dream that would probably not be worse than any of the fantasies he had conjured up while touching himself. He slipped beneath his duvet and welcomed the warmth that would soothe his fever chill.

Since the universe liked to shit on him, he had another dream. This one was worse and not nearly as weirdly sexy as the last. In his dream, Frigga held him by the shoulders and shook him violently; shouting about how he was tearing their family apart, and Thor stood by but refused to look at him. When Frigga finally let him go, he sunk to his knees and crawled up to Thor; begging by his feet for him to grace his brother with his eyes. Thor turned his face towards Loki; his stare was hard and angry. Betrayed.

 

"How am I supposed to look at you, brother, when I know that you have defiled me so many times in your mind? How am I supposed to love you when I know how disgusting you are?" By the end of his speech, Thor's expression had turned sad, but not lost its hardness.

 

"Please forgive me, I'm so sorry! _Please!_ " Loki's own voice was thick with tears, tears that were streaming down his face by the time he woke up. The sky was still bright, with birds tweeting loudly outside of his bedroom window. He wiped his tears away angrily with his sleeve. _Don't cry like a baby. That's all you do; cry. Haven't you spilled enough tears over this yet?_ Loki took deep, shuddering breaths; he wasn't sure how long he had been out, but the worst of his headache had eased away. He dragged a hand over his face, attempting to wake himself up. That had been a horrible nightmare. Was that what he was doing; tearing the family apart? In a way he guessed he did, but he would first and foremost blame Thor for moving to New York. That didn't really keep the family together either. It all came down to Loki in the end though, didn't it? If he just hadn't fallen in love with Thor he wouldn't have had to distance himself. _I'm trying to not lose my brother, but I am losing him in the process_. He had to approach this in a different way. _But how?_ Whatever he did, he assured his own destruction. His life had turned into one giant dead end, only that it was too late to turn around. He wondered if it was fair to bring Thor down with him; his brother was obviously hurt over the new space between them. He should put on a façade; smile, laugh, hug Thor and call him brother. Pretend as if everything was OK. That way, only Loki would be crushed, and Thor would be happily unaware of the despair that broke his little brother.

Loki picked up his phone; 03:45 pm, the time read. 06:45 in New York; Thor would probably be home from school by then. He sat still for minutes while contemplating to call his brother; still enough that his joints cracked when he moved. Whatever Natasha had told him to do, it wasn't working out for him. Maybe he was too weak for that, but he was going back into the battlefield. _Pretence is your armour. Just put on a convincing show and no one will know._

Waiting for Thor to pick up was agonising. When Thor eventually answered, Loki's heart jumped out of his chest.

 

"Hello," Thor answered. His voice was smooth and Loki could swear that it was deeper than before.

 

"Hey, it's me."

 

"Who's 'me'?" Loki's stomach dropped a little. Didn't Thor recognise his voice anymore?

 

"Loki," Loki clarified.

 

"Who?" Thor asked; clearly mocking.

 

"Thor, seriously," Loki said, annoyed.

 

"You've made yourself a stranger. Three months; that's impressive." Thor sounded hurt and angry. _He doesn't have the right to be angry with me. I am the one sacrificing myself for him now._

 

"I'm sorry," Loki said tightly. The words were unexpectedly hard to say. Thor sighed; Loki knew that he wanted to forgive and forget (Thor never held grudges) but that he couldn't. _So what do I do?_ Loki's brain worked fast as the seconds ticked away. _Do what you do best; lie. Let your silver tongue twist half-truths into reality._

"I didn't answer your calls because I'm afraid."

 

"What?" Thor sounded completely baffled. "What are you afraid of?"

 

"I don't know if I can tell you." Loki made his voice sound small and scared as the patiently waited for Thor to take the bait.

 

"Loki, please, you can tell me anything, I promise." _Jackpot_. Loki almost felt guilty over how worried Thor sounded.

 

"I'm gay. Please don't hate me." Loki played this game maybe a little too well. He was glad that Thor couldn't see his smile over the phone.

 

"Of course I don't hate you, you mustn't ever believe that!"

 

"I discovered it pretty recently and I didn't dare to talk to you in case I would slip up and you wouldn't accept me." _That's right, push on his guilt._

 

"Loki," Thor's voice was soft, but still dead serious, "I will always accept you. I love you." His last words felt like a knife in the heart. Loki had to close his eyes, because it hurt so much to hear Thor say that. It hurt so much that Thor loved him, just not the way Loki needed him to.

 

"Yeah, it was stupid to think like that, I suppose." Loki's throat felt thick and he swallowed several times to make the sensation go away.

 

"Do mom and dad know?" Thor asked.

 

"No, I don't want to tell them."

 

"That's alright," Thor assured him.

 

"I know that." Suddenly, there was a voice on the other side of the line that wasn't Thor's.

 

"Ey, Thor! What are you doing back here? I'm not paying you to stand around and talk on your phone!" A man shouted from a distance.

 

"Just a moment; it's my brother!" Thor shouted back.

 

"The one who never calls?" The man asked and Loki got both angry and giddy over the fact that Thor had been talking about him.

 

"Yeah, him," Thor confirmed.

 

"Take your time then." The man said.

 

"Thanks Erik," Thor said and a door closed.

 

"Who was that? Where are you?" Loki inquired.

 

"That was my boss, Erik. He's a nice guy," Thor explained.

 

"Wait, you have a job?"

 

"Yes, I wait tables in a bar. Selvig's Bar and Grill, it's called. They serve food too."

 

"I don't care about the damn bar! Aren't you supposed to be in college?"

 

"I am, but college doesn't pay itself and I'm saving up for an apartment. I work evenings and weekends. I quite like it, actually." Loki realised that he had missed out on a lot in the last three months.

 

"Why haven't you told me any of this?!"

 

"Um, well, you didn't seem too interested in my life last time we talked," Thor pointed out.

 

"Yeah," Loki breathed out, too tired to form a real answer. How could a phone call be so exhausting?

 

Thor decided that it was time to change the subject back to Loki.

"So, how did you discover that you are-"

 

"We don't need to talk about that," Loki cut him off.

 

"Okay. Are you seeing anyone? Are you dating Tony?" Thor's question was absurd.

 

"What? No, ew!" Loki didn't know where the _ew_ came from; Tony was attractive and Loki had checked him out several times.

 

"It was just a guess. So no boyfriend?" Why was he so interested? Was he protective? Jealous? Or did he just want to keep track on Loki?

 

"No boyfriend." Loki sighed. He had to change the topic before he said too much; the subject of love was dangerous. "Will you be coming home soon?"

 

"Yes, in a month or so. Have you…" Thor trailed off as he heard Loki sniffle. "Are you crying?"

 

" _No_ , I just have a cold." Loki sniffled again; he wasn't sure if it was the cold or the previous crying that had given him a runny nose.

 

"It's almost summer."

 

"Thank you, I hadn't noticed." Loki deadpanned.

 

"You should start exercising. Before you protest, hear me out; I know you're skinny and all that, but exercise isn't only for losing weight. Your immune system would grow stronger and you wouldn't be sick as often."

 

"I don't have the time," Loki argued.

 

"You have a summer break coming up. It's not that hard; I'll get you started." The reform of Loki's plan to tackle his feelings didn't include more quality time together with Thor, especially not when Thor was all sweaty and panting for air and reeking with musky testosterone, like he did after exercising. The mere thought made Loki's throat dry.

 

"Okay," Loki croaked, and just like that he was back on square one.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains child abuse

Summer arrived and with its warm winds came Thor. Hair longer, face older, voice deeper. Fully grown and completely gorgeous. He took Loki in his arms and held him tightly, talking about how much he'd missed him. Loki barely heard; he concentrated more on how firm Thor was against him and how well he fit in Thor's arms.

"Look here," Thor said when each of his family members had hugged him. He pulled out his phone from his pocket and tapped on it with his thumb for a few seconds before holding it out for them to see. On the phone there were pictures of a shabby and small apartment. "It will be mine at the end of summer." Thor's eyes beamed with pride and Loki's heart hurt when he looked at him, so he turned his attention the pictures instead. There weren't much to see; the current inhabitant had furnished sparsely. He could see that the once-white-ceiling now were yellow after years of hosting a smoker and the ugly, flowery wallpaper was tattered. Loki scrunched his nose at the pictures and left the gathering of his family members to locate his shoes.

 

"Where are you going?" Thor asked when he was halfway out the door.

 

"Natasha's," Loki answered and hoped that that would be excuse enough, but his mother voiced further protest.

 

"Loki, your brother just got home. Can't you meet with Natasha tomorrow instead?" Loki rolled his eyes before turning to face them.

 

"A friend in need has higher priority than a family reunion. Besides, Thor will still be here tomorrow, Natasha will not. She needs me right now; she’s got boy-problems." As far as he knew, Natasha had never had a boyfriend. She had never spoken of anyone and it seemed as if she wasn't looking for anyone either.

His parents bought it and ushered him away with wishes that Natasha would be okay. _It's me who’s not okay. Can't you see that? Can the lot of you truly be so blind?_

The walk over to Natasha's place took fifteen minutes, but it was a nice walk. The sun stood high in the sky and sent rays of warmth over his skin. Natasha, much like himself, lived on a street were all the houses looked the same (except for the different colours) and most people popped out their grills as soon as it stopped drizzling long enough for them to fire up the coal. Natasha's house was dark red with black framed leaden windows and a black door with the number 20 in brass, matching the brass knob. The house looked very classy compared to Loki's own yellow one.

He went up to the door and knocked. There was a doorbell, but the hard, painted wood felt good under his knuckles. Natasha's younger brothers opened the door. They were twins and had been an afterthought, therefore the ten year old age difference between them and Natasha.

 

"Is Natasha home?" Loki asked them without a greeting.

 

"Yes," Ivan, the older of the two by a few minutes, said, "come in." Loki stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

 

"Tasha! Your boyfriend is here!" Vadim, the younger one, screamed towards the staircase.

 

"I'm not her boyfriend," Loki told them. Both rolled their eyes in synch. "I'm not!" He insisted.

 

"Then why are you here all the time?" Ivan challenged.

 

"Because he's my friend," Natasha said as she walked down the stairs. She offered Loki something to drink, which he declined, before they headed up to her room. Her room was neat and clean as always, though the bed was filled with folded clothes and a suitcase. She packed for her trip to Russia; her whole family was going to fly there the next day to visit some relatives.

 

"Thor's home," Loki said as soon as she had closed the door. No point in beating around the bush.

 

"And how is that?" Natasha asked and continued to pack her suitcase. From time to time she re-folded a sweater she deemed not neat enough, but for the greater part it was just routine motions. Loki sat down in her desk chair with a heavy thump.

 

"It feels like I am running in a goddamn circle. Whatever progress I've made while he was gone just disappears as soon as he stands in front of me and looks like God's gift to mankind. It feels like I am walking a hopeless, worthless path which only brings me back to the same place all over again." While he spoke his eyes followed Natasha's way back and forth from her drawer; she picked up socks and underwear and laid them down in left side of her case. Socks at the top, underwear at the bottom. Always so organised. Natasha only had black underwear, Loki observed. He had never peeked much at her underwear before. He had heard that teenage girls owned pink cotton panties with strawberries and hearts on them. Natasha didn't fit into that description. Her underwear was of silk and a simple cut, at most lined with lace. They were subtle and sexy, just like her.

 

"Why aren't you saying anything?" He asked, because Natasha was awfully quiet.

 

"What do you want me to say?" She asked and picked out a pair of jeans from her closet.

 

"I want you to say what you are thinking. I thought that was quite obvious. If I wanted to put the words in your mouth, I might as well talk to myself."

 

"You say you want my opinion but you get pissed when I give it. It leaves me wondering; is it a defensive mechanism because I hit too close to the truth?"

 

"You speak in riddles," Loki concluded with a huff.

 

"To be honest it seems like you don't actually want to stop yourself from feeling this. It's almost like you want to be in love with him, like you don't want to be accepted, like you enjoy being…"

 

"… a freak?" Loki finished for her. Natasha clenched her jaw but didn't answer. Loki huffed again; this was downright offensive.

"Have fun in Russia," he said before he got up and left.

 _She can't be right. I don't want this._ Still, the nest of guilt and self-loathing had begun to feel like home.

 

**~~~**

 

"Alright, let's see what we have to work with." Thor was excited, Loki less so. The time had come for Thor to help him kick start his training.

Thor took a hold around Loki's upper arms. "Flex your muscles." Loki did, but they immediately gave in when Thor tightened his hold.

"Not very strong arms. Okay, legs." Thor's hands moved from his arms to his thighs, squeezing a little. "You don't have any apparent thigh muscles either. Sit down." Loki sat down on the hard asphalt. The sky was filled with clouds, so the asphalt had not been warmed up by the sun. Thor picked up Loki's leg and placed his palm against Loki's foot. "Now you push against my hand as hard as you can." Loki pushed and Thor pushed back with his hand. The other hand the closed around Loki's calf. "Not bad. You definitely have some strength in your legs." Thor smiled and Loki smiled back proudly. Thor stood up and offered his hand to Loki, but Loki wanted to prove that he didn't need any help and stood up on his own.

"May I?" Thor asked, but didn't wait for an answer before he pushed his palm flat against Loki's stomach. His hand was warm and the touch spread heat through Loki's entire body. "Your stomach muscles aren't developed either. Do you participate in your P.E. lessons at all?"

 

"If by participate you mean sitting on the bench with Tony and talk shit, then yes," Loki said with a shrug. Thor tried to hide an especially pig-like snort.

 

"Basically, you don't have a lot of muscles. Or, they're there – otherwise you wouldn't be able to move – but you barely use them. We are going to change that. I think the best approach for you is to start with jogging, and when you've got a hang of that you can start training your arms and stomach. Sounds good?"

This was one of the few moments where Loki felt like he didn't know anything of the subject. He understood what Thor talked about, but he couldn't argue against him about it.

 

"You're the expert; let’s do it your way."

And so, they started to run alongside each other. Thor kept a steady pace that Loki could easily follow, but he could tell that Thor held back for him. They had been jogging for only a few minutes when Loki's sides started to hurt.

"I've got a stitch," he panted.

 

"Press your hand were it hurts and keep running," Thor instructed. It helped, but Loki felt silly running with his hands on his waist. For every minute that passed, Loki's body burned more and more; his lungs, his thighs, his throat.

 

"Can we stop?" He asked Thor, but Thor told him "just a little more!"

By then they arrived at the park where Loki usually met with Natasha.

 

"I can't anymore!" Loki was completely breathless and it was pure agony to get the words out of his mouth.

 

"Come on!" Thor panted back to him and slapped his back to encourage him. Loki lasted for another minute, but then he slowed down and stopped. He gasped for breath and fell down to his hands and knees. People were looking but he didn't care. He felt as if he would throw up.

 

"So," Thor slowed down beside him, "what do you think?" He grinned and breathed heavily. It was good to see that he was affected by their sprint too.

 

"This… is the… worst thing… I have… ever endured." With a sigh, Loki rose to his feet again. His heart beat violently in his chest; so hard that it wouldn't surprise him if his ribcage shattered.

 

"And it will only get easier. Come on, let's walk back home." Thor turned and started to walk in a brisk pace.

 

"Wait, already? Can't we rest a little first?"

 

"No." Side by side, they started to walk home.

 

"Now that you know how far you can run, you run that distance. No more, no less," Thor instructed him.

 

"But-"

 

" _And then-_ ," Thor cut him off, "you run that distance for about ten times. It will feel much easier after a while; I promise. And when you have run ten times, you run further; as far as you can. Then you run that distance ten times before you expand the distance again. And you just keep doing that. It isn't really that hard; it's harder to motivate yourself to actually do it. Find something that motivates you," Thor told him. He made it sounds so easy, could it really be true?

 

"What motivates you?" Loki inquired.

 

"The fact that I feel so much better, physically and mentally, when I exercise regularly. And that women - and men - look at me and desire me," Thor smiled proudly. _If he only knew._ "And that I look in the mirror and actually like what I see," Thor added with a nod, aimed more towards himself that Loki.

 

"That's a bit narcissistic," Loki couldn't help but comment. Thor playfully punched his shoulder.

They were both gleaming with sweat in the clouded daylight and Loki had a hard time taking his eyes off his brother. The sweat should make Thor disgusting and undesirable, but instead Loki wanted Thor to take him and fuck him right then and there in the middle of the street. _Control your thoughts._

Next time they ran, it was slightly easier. His body still screamed to him to stop this madness after only a few minutes, but Thor cheered him on with words and smiles and a slap at the back. Once, Loki concentrated too much on Thor and stumbled on a tree root at the park and fell flat on his face. After that, he decided that it was for the best if he ran alone. _That's how I do things best, I suppose; alone._

 

**~~~**

 

Loki found his true escape in Tony. He could go to Tony's anytime and they would order pizza and watch a couple of movies and he could forget all about Thor for a while. Tony liked action movies and from time to time some criminal drama. And, of course, he managed to convince Loki to watch some movies starring Steve Rogers that they had already seen a dozen times.

The curtains were closed to keep out the daylight, the pizza boxes were empty and the credits of Captain America was rolling over the screen of the large TV Tony had in his room. The theme song boomed through the speakers, but Tony quickly changed to CD instead. AC/DC started to play, thankfully on pretty low volume.

 

"Wait here a sec," Tony told him, as if he was going to get up and leave, and disappeared downstairs. When he came back he had two beers in his hands and handed one to Loki. He easily twisted the cap off and Loki mirrored his movement. The beer was cold, but tasted foul. Tony laughed at his expression, then took another sip. Loki forced himself to do the same and grimaced just as much as before. Sure, he had tasted beer before but that had been a small gulp from his father's glass, not a whole bottle to himself.

 

"Y'know, I met him once," Tony said and leaned back into the couch.

 

"Who?" Loki asked in puzzlement.

 

"Steve." Tony gestured towards the turned off TV.

 

"What? No, you haven't. You would've mentioned it earlier if you had."

 

"No, I did. I just wanted to keep it to myself because it felt… special, I guess." Tony stared emptily into thin air with the bottle resting against his lips.

 

"So why are you telling me now?"

 

"Because it wasn't." Tony took a long sip. Loki nodded and waited for an explanation. It didn't take long to get one; if Tony wanted you to know something, he'd let you know.

"It was the same day that I left New York. He was barely famous back then; it was just after his first movie, the one that became a flop… eh, what's it called again?"

 

"It doesn't matter; I know which one you are referring to," Loki urged him.

 

"Right, so I had seen him in the movie and recognised him. It's quite funny how we met, because he was some sort of real life-Captain America and he hadn't even gotten that role yet, it's like he was born to–"

 

"Can we skip to the part where you actually met him?" Loki cut him off. "Or is that just wishful thinking?"

 

"Noooo," Tony said pointedly, "it's not wishful thinking. I did meet him; my friends and I were stealing some cigarettes–"

 

"Wait, you smoked back then? Weren't you like, twelve?"

 

"Yeah, but I had older friends who taught me it was 'cool'. My dad backhanded me when he found out so that's why I stopped."

 

"So why do you smoke now?"

 

Tony shrugged. "He hits me whether I smoke or not, so why shouldn't I?" He sighed. "Anyways, we stole some cigarettes and he caught us. That's when I recognised him. So I asked him 'aren't you Steve Rogers?' and he just lit up like the freaking sun. I think not a lot of people recognised him back then."

 

"What happened?" Loki was engulfed by the story by then.

 

"I slapped his ass and wished him good luck with making a good movie next time." Tony at least had the grace to look ashamed.

 

"Why am I not surprised?" Loki said and shook his head in disapproval.

 

"Yeah, well, I'm almost glad that I did it so that I coped a feel of _that ass_ ," Tony stated with a shrug, as if he didn't care. Loki could see that Tony did care, but he had no intentions of digging into that now or ever. He had enough to deal with already, with Thor being home and Natasha gone.

They sat silently for a few minutes, sipping their beers and thinking about their respective blond crushes.

 

"So, Thor's home?" Tony asked, but it sounded more like a statement than a question. Loki wondered briefly if Tony could read his mind.

 

"Yes, he's alive and kicking." Loki took another mouthful of sour beer to have time to think about a way to avoid the subject. He wasn't fast enough.

 

"But if he's home, what are you doing here?" Tony pointed at the couch. Apparently changes never go unnoticed.

 

"I spent most of Christmas with him, so he wanted to spend some time with his old friends," Loki explained.

 

" _Old_ friends?" Tony's questions were getting annoying.

 

"Yes, he got a couple of new ones, I didn't really bother to find out more about them," Loki shrugged.

 

"What a nice brother you are," Tony said with drawn out sarcasm. "What happened? You two used to be all buddy-buddy before and now…" Tony waved his hands around a little.

 

"What happened? He moved to New York!" Loki burst out.

 

"Natasha's older sister moved to their relatives in Russia and you don't see her throwing a tantrum."

 

"It's not the same thing,"

 

"I think it's exactly the same thing," Tony told him. "So Thor's really settling down in New York?" Why was he so curious? Why did he care? Loki felt a flash of jealousy.

 

"What's all this talk about Thor?" He asked, sounding a bit more hostile than he wished.

 

"I just figured you wanted to talk about him; he's practically your world."

 

"He is not," Loki insisted. Tony gave him a look that said that he didn’t believe that, but Loki ignored the stare.

 

**~~~**

 

Even if Loki was the one to flee Thor's company, he felt abandoned. But it wasn't only Thor that abandoned him; his parents too. As soon as Thor came home, it was as if Loki turned invisible. They only cared about what Thor had done, what Thor had said, Thor this and Thor that. _Thor is ruining everything._

He stood by the window and watched as Thor's friends returned his brother home. Volstagg was driving, as always. Thor jumped out of the car with a smile and waved back to his friends as he made his way towards the door. Loki didn't know where they had been and had no intention of finding out. He was clad in his running attire and had prepared to head out for a run to let out some energy. He had run almost every day all summer; especially when Thor was home so that he could avoid him. It was easier now and he had extended his running route to almost twice the length. When he was angry or restless, it was a great outlet.

He met Thor in the door.

 

"Hey, you're heading out?" Thor asked him with a grin. _Stop being so damn beautiful and my life might get easier._

 

"Yeah." Loki put in his ear buds.

 

"You want company?" Thor wondered.

 

"No," Loki replied and left the house immediately.

He jogged down the street with music blasting in his ears. He had asked Tony to make a playlist for him and it was a perfect mix to run to; the rhythm of most of the songs matched his pace and egged him on to keep going.

With every step a little bit of the tension left his body. He hadn't been too harsh on Thor; there was no cause to feel uneasy! _He doesn't understand what it's like,_ Loki reflected. _He lives his normal, happy life without worries. He doesn't look in the mirror and see failure._ Loki was constantly reminded of his shame. Every day he choked down too-affectionate words, every day Thor's sleepy yawns made his heart ache, and every day Loki's gaze lingered at his brother for far longer than acceptable. Every night he either pretended that Thor was sleeping beside him in the shadows, or that Thor was holding him and touching him and loved him. Every morning Loki swallowed a thick lump in his throat before joining his family for breakfast. And at almost every meal, Thor nudged Loki's foot with his own under the table and Loki froze up until Thor asked him to pass the cereal or the sugar or the potatoes or whatever. _He will suspect something soon. I'm transparent_. It would be much easier if Thor hated him and avoided him. Perhaps Loki should've kept avoiding Thor and cut him off. _That situation was unsustainable. It would've torn both of us to shreds. Now it's only ruining me. I'm doing this for him._ Even if Thor knew nothing of the matter at hand, Loki felt unjustly treated. Thor didn't need to carry the same burden that he had so selflessly shouldered.

Evening approached when he finally turned back. The chilliness bit in the exposed skin of his face and arms.

When he stepped out of the shower and made his way to his room while towelling his ink black hair, he was unsurprised by finding Thor sitting on his bed. He didn't say anything, just kept drying his hair. He half-wished that he hadn't put on his underwear and t-shirt in the bathroom. If he had been dressed in a towel he could've let it fall to the floor with a soft thud, and let Thor see what he missed out on back in New York.

 

"Your hair is getting quite long," Thor commented, as if he didn't grow a mane himself.

 

"Why are you here?" Loki didn't feel like dancing around the subject that night.

Thor fingered at the little tin hammer around his neck for a moment in a fidgety manner. Was he nervous?

 

"Are you angry with me? Have I done something?"

 

"What are you talking about?" Loki asked him without making eye contact.

 

"You've been irritated most of the summer. And snapping at me," Thor explained. Loki exaggerated his mandatory eye-roll.

 

"Why does everything have to be about you?" Loki crossed his arms over his chest and arched an eyebrow.

 

"That's not what I meant… so I got nothing to do with it?" Loki only shrugged as an answer. "What's wrong then?"

 

" _Nothing_." Loki started to lose his patience.

 

"Is it the whole gay thing?" Thor guessed next and Loki's face burned hot with a blush.

 

"No!" He bit back, sourly and too quickly. Now it was Thor's turn to cross his arms and arch his eyebrow.

 

"Sit down," Thor commanded and patted the spot right beside him on the bed. Loki sat down, but further away. Thor noticed the distance. "Is someone… um, mean to you because you're gay?" _Oh God, don't tell me we're going to have this conversation._

 

"It's not exactly public knowledge, Thor."

 

"You still haven't told anyone?" Thor wondered.

 

"Just Natasha and Tony. And you."

 

"Are you sure you're not going to tell mom and dad?" Thor asked and Loki snorted.

 

"I suppose I could, if I wanted them to hate me," Loki said with a mirthless smile that turned into a grimace.

 

"Loki, they would never-"

 

"Leave it." Loki cut him off.

 

"No, I won't leave it!" Thor insisted.

 

"Then leave me! Go, I want to be alone!" Loki yelled in a sudden rage.

 

Thor got up and left without protest. _Is this how it going to be now? Is this the new us; not being able to hold a civil conversation?_ Loki dragged his hand over his face and groaned.

 

**~~~**

 

Whenever Tony's father was home (it wasn't very often), Loki felt… off. Not nervous, more like wary.

Thankfully, Loki and Tony could lock themselves in Tony's room and pretend that Howard Stark didn't exist. At least, until the doorbell rang with an echo through the whole house.

 

"That will be the pizza," Tony announced and both boys made their way to the door with enormous speed. Loki took the pizza box from the delivery guy and Tony paid. The smell of warm cheese spread through the room. They barely had time to close the front door before Howard appeared from the kitchen.

 

"What's this?" He demanded and they froze to the spot.

 

"Pizza," Tony said, and it wouldn't have been weird if all confidence hadn't left Tony's voice.

 

"You mean that you rather eat junk food than the dinner I've been cooking for hours?" His tone was so accusing; a sleeping anger resting within.

 

"I didn't know that you had made dinner, you never do," Tony explained with his eyes glued to the floor.

 

"You are so ungrateful, you've always been! I have done so much for you, but you just throw it away!" The anger had woken up.

 

"Dad, I'm sorry, okay?" Tony cast a meaning glance at Loki.

 

"Okay? No, it's not okay. All your life you have been so selfish, not thinking about anyone but yourself! Well, I'm done with it. You need to be taught a lesson." And just like that, Howard's fist collided with Tony's face. The impact was so powerful that Tony stumbled backwards and fell to the floor. The blood running from his nose looked out of place in the clean, expensive environment that surrounded them. Loki stood stupidly with the pizza box still in his arms and stared at the scene in front of him. Howard turned around and his eyes bore through Loki. _Will he punch me too?_

 

"What are you staring at?" Howard barked at Loki. "I'm aware that you know about my… methods of discipline."

Loki swallowed hard and looked down at Tony and then again at Howard.

 

"Maybe I should go…" Loki trailed off and looked at the door. It was only a few feet away; he could probably bolt in a worst case scenario.

 

"You're not going anywhere," Howard decided. Loki's blood turned to ice in his veins. "Dinner's ready. Come on, Anthony, stand up. Don't be such a weakling; I barely touched you."

Tony stood up with a small groan. They followed Howard to the dining room where food was already laid out on the table; tender steak with potatoes, thick sauce and black currant jelly.

 

"I'll take care of that," Howard said and plucked the pizza box from Loki's grasp. "Please, sit down." He smiled and disappeared into the kitchen. _How many people are fooled by that charming smile?_

Tony and Loki sat down opposite each other. Tony still had a waterfall of blood trickling down from his nose, over his face and staining his worn out band t-shirt. Howard returned from the kitchen and sat down at the head of the table, with Tony close on his right hand side and Loki on his left. They ate in a tense silence. Well, Tony and Howard ate; Loki couldn't force down more than a handful of bites.

 

"You have barely touched your food," Howard commented. "Didn't you like it?"

 

"No, it was lovely; I'm just not very hungry." Loki almost winced at how fake he sounded.

 

"Oh really? That's odd, because just a few moments ago I could swear that you were ready to eat a cheese pizza." Howard let out a light laugh, but it sounded dark in Loki's ears. Like a death sentence. _Will he kill us after dinner? Has he finally snapped?_

 

"I'm sorry," Loki said, just in case it could improve the chances of him surviving. Howard smiled at him again.

 

"Are you really that surprised that I would hit him in front of you?" He asked. "I'll do it again." Before Loki had registered his words, he reached out and slapped Tony so hard that Tony's head turned sharply to the side. Loki flinched when Howard turned to him again. "But it's alright; I know that you won't tell anyone. I know this because I know that you're a smart kid, Loki Laufeyson."

 

"What?" _Laufeyson?_

 

"Oh, I meant Odinson. My mistake." Howard didn't look like he had made a mistake though; he looked like he had said exactly what he intended to. He huffed out a small laugh. "Dinner's over, you are free to go."

 

"No, what did you call me?" Loki demanded to know.

 

"We aren't the only family with secrets. Now, please go." Howard's voice had turned hard and ice cold. Loki looked over at Tony, but he was looking down on his plate. Without another word, Loki stood up and left.

It was a long way to walk from Tony's house to Loki's, but he didn't feel like calling his parents. He was shaken by the events of the evening and his head swam with questions.

When he got home, his family sat in the living room and watched some documentary on the TV. Loki said a quick 'hello' and 'good night' before slinking up to his room. He felt exhausted and wished that he could just forget everything that had happened, wished that he knew what to do. _What would you have done three years ago?_ He would've gone to his brother for comfort, rest his head against Thor's shoulder and told him everything. He couldn't do that now. Instead, he curled up in his bed with his clothes still on. He wrapped his arms around himself and pretended that it was Thor who held him. _No nightmares, just for tonight, please,_ he prayed to whoever that might be listening. His prayers went unheard, as they always did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry about the wait. School's been hell and I've had a minor writer's block as well as some personal issues. I'm sorry, I'll really try to update sooner next time.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very late, I know. My reasons aren't very different from last time... I'm sorry. Thank you for waiting. Um, if there are any mistakes in this, I'm sorry for that too. I didn't edit this so carefully, because I'm an extremely lazy person. Enjoy.

_We aren't the only family with secrets._

Howard Stark's words echoed through Loki's head day and night. Wherever he was, whatever he was doing, it was always gnawing in the back of his mind.

Loki's breath was laboured and his heart raced. He was running on the tracks and people were watching. He didn't mind. P.E. had never been one of his favourite lessons, but lately he had taken any chance he could get to blow off some steam; usually through jogging, but also with other training. The coach was without a doubt impressed and had asked him to join the track team, but he had declined. He had enough to deal with right now; his grades, the school paper, researching his family secret… Loki had typed the name "Laufeyson" into every search engine available, but had come up empty handed. He had asked Tony about it, but it seemed that his friend had no idea what his father had been referring to. Loki had an inkling about it though, but he was afraid to look into it. He wanted answers, but wasn't sure if he wanted _that_ answer.

His lungs were burning with lack of oxygen by the time he stopped jogging. Bent over and huffing, he could spy the coach out of the corner of his eye; making his way towards Loki.

"Loki, are you sure that you don't want to join the track team?" The coach asked for the umpteenth time.

"Absolutely sure," Loki said. The coach looked miserable. _Serves him right; he's been sniping at me for years._

Loki left the tracks and went inside to shower. Tony was in the boxing ring, training with a large beast of a kid that couldn't possibly be their age.

Loki was almost completely undressed by the time Tony joined him in the dressing room.

"Phew!" Tony sighed. "Man, it's good to be the one who punches someone for a change." Ever since Loki had witnessed Tony's abuse first-hand, Tony had been making references to it in their everyday conversation. Loki wasn't sure how he felt about that.

Loki took his towel and walked into the showering area. The water was always lukewarm, bordering on cold. It didn't take long for Tony to come in and take the shower next to Loki. There were barely two feet separating them. Without meaning to, Loki glanced over at his friend; subtly looking him up and down. Tony was hot, without a doubt. His tanned skin, muscular body and dark hair made girls and boys drop their pants in an instant. _But he never let them come close, because of the bruising_. Tony's body was dotted with bruises in varying colours.

"I have always hated these showers; there's no warm water," Tony complained.

"I prefer to shower cold," Loki informed him.

"That's because you're a human-shaped ice cube." Loki could help but snort out a laugh at that.

It was good to share a joke again. Perhaps their friendship could be restored to its former glamour. The atmosphere between them had been filled with stale tension and discomfort ever since Loki witnessed the abuse Tony was subject to. His friendship with Natasha was also out of balance, his relationship with Thor was strained and he couldn't stand the company of his parents because he knew that they were lying to him. He didn't know what exactly it was they kept from him, but the fact that they kept something from him was reason enough to not trust them.

 _I have friends and family, but I am truly alone,_ Loki realised.

**~~~**

"Who is Laufeyson?" Loki asked his parents when they sat down for dinner one evening. Both visually stiffened in their seat. They looked between each other, their eyes were communicating silently, then they looked at him.

"Loki, can we talk about this after dinner?" Frigga asked him.

"No, I want to know now." _You sound like a stubborn child._ Frigga licked her lips nervously before looking at Odin for help.

"You are Laufeyson," he simply said. No reason to beat around the bush.

"What?" Loki had to admit that he didn't understand.

"Your last name is Odinson because you are Odin's son." Frigga said and now things were starting to clear up.

"You mean that I am Laufey's son?" Loki asked. He expected a storm of confusion to rage inside of him, but it was strangely still and quiet.

"You are adopted, Loki. Of course, that doesn't change anything. You're our son," Odin told him, but he barely listened past the first sentence. This was exactly what he had been afraid of.

"I'm adopted?" He looked for confirmation and found it in their faces. "But… I don't understand. Who is Laufey?"

"Laufey is your biological father."

"I gathered as much, but who is he? As far as I know, people don't usually know the biological parents of their adopted child?" Loki clarified. Was this the big secret or did Laufey hold the key?

Frigga and Odin looked at each other again, uncertain of how much they should tell Loki about his past.

"He's a criminal," Odin said lastly. "Years ago, he was a hunted murderer and drug dealer. When the police entered his home to arrest him, they found you."

"And they brought you to the hospital and I was the nurse in charge that day, so I became the nurse in charge of you," Frigga continued. "You were so small and malnourished; we didn't believe that you would make it through the night. Against all odds you did, and I kept caring for you in the hospital. After a few weeks I asked Odin if we could adopt you and you have been our son ever since." Frigga smiled at him with warmth, but Loki felt ice cold inside. Not only was he adopted, but he had the blood of a murderer in him as well? No wonder he's a freak!

"Where's…" Loki breathed out, then he cleared his throat and started over. "Where's Laufey now?"

"In prison, of course. He was found guilty not only of murder and drug possession, but of child neglect as well. He won't be able to try for parole in at least a decade." Odin sounded pleased by that.

Loki stood up and left the table.

"Loki!" Frigga called after him, but he could barely hear her over the storm that had finally broken out in his head.

"I need to think," he mumbled before he grabbed his jacket, pushed his feet into his old boots and left the house. The air was chilly and clear, easy to breathe in. Loki took a few deep, calming breaths that didn't calm him down at all. He started to walk in the direction of Natasha's house, but halfway there he turned around and set out for Tony's place instead. He didn't reach his destination before he sat down on a bench at a bus stop. Burning tears streamed down his face and he choked on his sobs. Adopted… a murderer's son… his whole life had just been a lie all this time. He should've been able to see it; his black hair and pale skin didn't fit in with his family's golden tangles and flushed cheeks.

With shaking fingers he hauled his phone from his jeans pocket. There was only one person he could think of calling; Thor. Thor, who wasn't his brother. Had Thor known before him? If not, would Thor still love him like before? _Don't be stupid._ Still, Loki couldn't help but be. If Thor loved him only because he had to, would he stop? Loki tucked his phone into his pocket again. He thought about his parents' - no, Frigga and Odin's - story. How Laufey didn't love him. How Frigga decided to take care of him, how she probably had to coerce Odin… they took him in out of pity, didn't they? Was he really that unlovable? It might be a condition he had, like a shield around him. _Born without love, I will probably die without it too._

Loki knew that he only weighed his heart down with that mindset, but the darkness, the sadness and the hatred formed a bittersweet cocoon where he had taken his shelter.

His phone started to vibrate in his pocket. Loki picked it up and registered the name on the caller I.D. Thor called. Loki momentarily considered not answering, but his heart won in the end.

"Hello?"

"Loki! Are you alright?" Thor sounded so worried. Perhaps he still cared after all.

"I assume they told you about me," Loki stated bitterly.

"They did, but Loki, it doesn't matter."

"What do you mean 'it doesn't matter'? Of course it matters; they lied to me; to us!"

"When would it ever have been a good time to tell you?"

"That's hardly relevant."

"Mom and dad-"

" _Your_ mom and dad!"

"They're worried about you. You weren't at Tony's or Natasha's. They've been driving around looking for you, but they can't find you."

Loki played with the idea if bordering the next bus, go somewhere far away. He could cut his hair or dye it, no one would recognise him. Leave everything behind, start over. Odin and Frigga would never find him, unless he wanted them to. It was perfectly doable.

"I'll find my way back when I want to. Tell then that, " Loki said before ending the call without a goodbye. A light drizzle started to fall as he began his journey back home. When he arrived, the drizzle had evolved into a heavy rain that left him looking like a drowned rat. His long hair stuck to his face and his fingers were stiff from the cold. As soon as he stepped a foot in the house, Frigga and Odin were at his side.

“Where have you been? We were so worried!” Frigga reached for him, but he took a step back.

“Don’t talk to me.” Loki’s voice was cold and hard. With slow, determined steps he made his way to his room, closed the door and put a chair under the handle in case someone would try to get in.

**~~~**

The weeks dragged on and Loki avoided his parents. If he wasn't in his room or with his friends, he spent his time outside, even if the oncoming cold seeped through his clothes in the form of violent winds or heavy downpour. He walked through the streets and parks and kicked at the occasional rock that presented itself in front of his feet. In November, it had become too chilly to be out running. Or maybe Loki just lost his motivation. Frigga and Odin had suggested that he went to see a therapist to talk, but Loki promptly ignored them. He made a point not to eat with them, only speak with then if he had to and he had bitten their heads off every time they tried to push him further.

Thor called him every now and then, checking up on him. He knew that Frigga and Odin had recruited Thor as their informer, so he refused to say much. He could barely stand to look at his parents, even less himself. He had googled Laufey and found out where his pale skin, dark hair and sharp features came from. The family photos on the walls mocked him with their happy smiles and bright memories. Looking at pictures of Thor, on the other hand… well, it would seem that Thor was the only thing Loki could stand looking at right then. Thor looked familiar without that sensation being accompanied by a nauseous feeling. He studied everything about the man he had grown up believing was his brother. Thor wasn't his brother, though. That had bothered Loki, rather than relieve him. Through all those years, he had felt like he had some kind of right to Thor that other did not. He was Thor's brother, for God's sake; of course he was the obvious choice of consort. Except society didn't see it that way, and Loki had been forced to change his world views once he grew old enough to understand what was wrong with incest. _But it isn't incest. We're not related._ Fate had played a cruel prank on him. If he had been adopted by anyone else, he and Thor would've been able to love each other without restriction. Instead, fate had placed his soulmate just out of reach with a few adoption papers. The mere knowledge of those circumstances suffocated him with a firm hand around his throat. Thor said again and again that nothing had changed. He was wrong. The truth shone a light over Loki's life and revealed new aspects of it, and that changed everything.

He also pushed away his friends, because they simply didn't understand. According to them it 'wasn't that bad'. They grew tired of his sulking and their conversations contained more angry snaps than actual sentences. He couldn't trust anyone. Not his family, not his friends… Thankfully, his frustration had an outlet; the school's newspaper. Sometimes it felt as if writing was all he did. The tapping on keyboard could be heard late at night, the scribbling in his notebook started as soon as he woke up. It took his mind off things, momentarily. His other school work suffered the loss of his attention, but it didn’t have the ability to distract him the way journalism did. He supposed he could catch up with what he missed once things had settled down.

**~~~**

“Loki, please talk to us.” Loki stubbornly kept quiet.

“Loki, at least look at us.” Loki looked anywhere but at them.

“Loki, tell us what to do. Tell us what to do so that you will forgive us. We can’t stand you pretending that we don’t exist.” At that, Loki looked at them and opened his mouth to voluntarily speak with his so called parents for the first time in weeks.

“You want to know what you can do?” He asked them. Frigga nodded eagerly and Odin uttered a ‘yes’. Loki had the power to ask for anything. Still, there was only one thing he wanted; “You can buy me a ticket to New York, so that I can visit my non-brother. Make it over Christmas; I’d hate to spend it in the company of liars.”


	17. Chapter 17

I’m sorry for not finishing this. I thought I would, eventually, that’s why I haven’t told you earlier that I’ve stopped writing this story.

I had so many plans and ideas for this story, but there’s something that was missing; the feelings. My feelings. Writing this story was fun at first, but then it felt forced and difficult.

Also, this story is so bad. I thank you eternally for all your kind words and support, but I think this story is bad. The plot is boring and confusing and the characterization is all wrong. I felt like I was going in circles.

Thank you all for reading and I’m sorry for leaving the story like this, but I have no plans on finishing it – now or ever.

If anyone would like to complete the story, feel free to do it. Just message me and I'll link to it here and on tumblr.


End file.
